Monday, November 14, 2011

Weird...

So I realized when one of you bloggies, 
(whom I love forever for doing this)
noticed that something was up with me and asked if I was ok. 
I realized it is easy for me to let you all in when I'm excited
It's easy to let you in when I am devastated about Jonathan leaving
But it's impossible when life is just regular ol' hard. 
Let me tell you life has been hard this semester. 
My family took two major hits no one saw coming,
Neither of which I am quite ready to talk about,
(one of which I can't talk about due to respecting my family's privacy)
School has been more stressful than I knew possible, 
and the future has been scaring me more than ever. 
So I decided if I let you all in on the good, 
I should let you in on the bad as well. 
If one of you who hardly knows me cares enough about me, 
Maybe the rest of you will too. 


I'm starting off my new found goal with my most written about topic: 
Jonathan 
I am having a... weird reaction this time. 
I am doing fine, 
I haven't cried in a long time
Didn't cry too much when he left
I don't feel as upset as I usually do, 
I'm at my numb place and have been for a while, 
yet some how I feel more alone than I ever have before. 
I don't know if it's because of everything I've been going through.
It's for sure been hard to not have his support
It's been hard to not have him right here for me. 
It's been just as hard for him
This results in fights which adds to how hard it is. 


The other thing that is... well different,
It's how jealous I have been sense he left. 
EVERY THING makes me jealous
Seeing my friends talk about going to lunch with their hubbies
Seeing them talk about coming home to their hubbies
Seeing them talk about their men helping them, and being there for them.
Seeing them talk about missing their guys
after only a few hours or days
Seeing my friends talk about being with their families
(hubbies and kids) 

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. 
I don't know who to turn to
I don't know who I can lean on 
that can help me with everything that's happened
I don't know how to stop myself from acting the way I've been acting. 
Basically I am hanging on by a thread for the end of 2011 to get here. 
I need a new start
A new semester
My family to be ok and on their way to recovery
I need my guys arms around me. 
I need to feel ok again. 

(How I will feel at midnight as soon as 2012 starts)

(ahhh I feel so awkward posting this
I sound so emo. 
Things probably aren't as bad as I'm making it sound
But I am forcing myself to not edit
or change anything. 
If I wanna open myself to you all
then I need to open myself
letting you in on the good, the bad, and the ugly)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

One year ago...

So it has been exactly a year sense Jonathan left
I remember that day painfully crystal clear. 
We woke up around 9, and slowly 
got all his things gathered out of my room
We both kept coming up with excuses to prolong the good bye. 
We went and got some sandwiches that we decided his mom HAD to try
Took our sweet time eating them
Thank God his mom was there, 
or we would have kept coming up with excuses.

(This is from our second good bye
I have a weird thing about taking a picture
right before we have to say good bye
Don't have one from our first good bye)

When the car was all packed and ready to go
I said good bye to his mom and gave her a hug, 
she sweetly gave us a moment of privacy to say good bye
I couldn't even hug him
I knew if I did I would loose it. 
He hugged me but I basically pushed him away in response. 
I remember staying long enough to watch his car turn to leave my appartment
Then I remember being in my bed, my pillow soaked, 10 minutes later
It was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with
I was positive when he was leaving that I would never see him again. 
I was willing to bet my life and his that it was good bye for ever. 
That "fact" killed me.

 (waiting outside the gate at the air port, 
our third good bye)

Now a year later I see how silly I was to think that. 
Our second good bye I still thought that to an extent, 
but now I know that it's not good bye it's "see you in a few months
We are not perfect, the distance gets to us like crazy
We fight every week, sometimes twice a week, 
We both get irritated when we don't get to talk, 
with each other and the world,

Even when we are fighting I love him with my whole heart
I know even when I am mad and wanting to smack him
that he is the love of my life, and always will be. 
Lately it's gotten to the point that all I care about is the fact that I love him
Our last 5 fights have ended with me saying 
"Can we just be done fighting and love each other again?"
I used to just want to be the right one, 
or just want to hear him say sorry
but now all I care about is that I love him
This sudden shift in the way I think about us
has made me love him even more, 
and made me more confident in us 

(our most recent good bye right before security
I got myself to stop crying just long enough to snap the picture)

We still have another 21 months to go
until the day will come that I'll be done with school
and able to join him where ever he is in the US. 
The decision to continue school in CA was incredibly hard
If I weren't doing it we would just have another 9 months. 
I know deep down that it is the best thing for me, 
even if it may be the hardest thing (I hope) I will ever do 
I know that in order to have the life I want for both us, and our kids
I need to have the means to get everything we will need, 
I need to continue my life long dream of teaching to be happy
And my amazing, wonderful man, has said "we will make it work" 
and told me no matter what, he will support me, and help me in any way he can
Even though it will be hard I know we can do it
Besides, after going a total of 2 years and 9 months 1,800 miles apart, 
We'll be able to make it through any curve ball life throws our way.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I am beautiful?

 
Confidence. 
It is something every one struggles with. 
Boys and girls alike. 
(though if they have the same amount 
of pressure to look a certain way 
is a whole different story, 
for a whole different blog) 

I've been working towards improving my confidence
for over 3 years now. 
The first step was loosing weight
Which I did. 
The second step was accepting my body type
Which I did. 
Until I didn't any more. 
The third step was loosing more weight
Which I did. 
Till it became difficult. 
The fourth step, was loosing more weight at any cost
It didn't matter how few calories I ate, 
or how many calories I burned, 
even if it meant getting rid of the "excess" calories/food fast
 the only way I knew how.
Which I did.
(I'm NOT doing that any more,
not to worry, I woke up and realized
how self destructive I had become
and put a stopper to it right away)
 
I am telling you all this 
because I think a lot of people think I am Miss Confident
I STILL get messages on how I did it, 
on how I lost weight and how I got so confident all of a sudden.
The truth is: 
I've just become a master at faking it. 
When I look in the mirror I still feel fat. 
I see my pudgy stomach.
I see my HUGE thighs. 
I see my round face. 
I see my saggy arms.
I see my double chin. 
I see my fat calves. 
I see my weird fore-arms.
I see my 
rolls
chunk,
jiggle
and fat, fat, fat!
I see all my flaws, 
both those that exist
and those that don't exist.

The point is
No matter who you are, 
what size you are, 
what weight you are, 
there will always be something you want to change about yourself. 
You know what that means? 
That girl, you know the one, 
the one who is perfect
When she looks in the mirror
she sees anything but perfection. 

I finally decided that the only way to raise my confidence
is to not only stop criticizing myself
but to stop criticizing people around me as well. 
I think we all do it, most of the time with out realizing it
The only way to be truly happy with yourself, 
and to recognize how beautiful you are
is to recognize how beautiful the world around you is. 
This life that we are given is truly wonderful
Why waist it hating the body you have?
Why not live what little time you have to the fullest 
Being proud of the way you look, 
and the way every one around you looks as well. 

If you have any ideas of how to improve confidence level 
PLEASE don't hesitate to comment them
God knows we can't have too many tips on the topic.


(This blog is in NO WAY a "poor me i feel fat" blog
I just felt like sharing how I was feeling today
and what I've been thinking about the past few days, 
It is a "lets all come together and embrace ourselves and our "flaws"' blog)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

New Favorite Song

I just wanna sing it at the top of my lungs all the time!
Thank goodness Jonathan doesn't mind
or we would have issues as of late. 
I've sung it to him about 6 times in 24 hours.

I blame Jenah
She is the one who showed me 
how fun it is to rock out to in the car.
hoe


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

These are a few of my favorite things...

I don't know if you know this, 
but I LOVE smells. 
I love candles
I love wall plugs
I love perfume
and I love fragrant lotions

I love them so much in fact that right now I have
6 candles
7 wall plugs
9 perfumes
13 lotions
Obsessed? Yes

One of my favorite lotions!
It smells so fresh, clean, and feminine

And my newest perfume
I am obsessed with it!
It smells so fancy and grown up

Friday, September 16, 2011

Just call me Jared

So for a while now I've been wanting to get a picture of myself
in jeans the size I wore when I was at my biggest
Today I finally did it.  
Now keep in mind in order to get them on back in the day
I had to 
jump
wiggle
move
squat
roll 
and just about everything else you can think of
(basically I should have been wearing at least 2 pant sizes larger
to be wearing pants that actually fit me without giving me a muffin top)

The jeans I tried on today were "Jeggings" from AE
Keep in mind, these jeans are supposed to fit
like a second layer of skin

What is amazing is in the legs
there was enough room left to fit at least an arm
I didn't actually try cuz that just sounds painful

(yes, I realize I have that nasty pooch thing, 
but I've been workin on it lol)
This is the side view, the entire front was pulled away from my body
on this you can really see how lumpy and baggy the legs were

Now for how I look in the jeans I wore to the mall
These are a grand total of 6 sizes smaller
and have their own couple inches of breathing room

Just call me Jared from Subway. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Rough Patch...


That's right ladies and gents. 
I've hit my first rough patch. 
I'm so proud of myself that it's taken me this long!
I lasted 2 months. :D
That means I am getting better at this crap long distance.

I have hit my rough patch. 
Namely because both Jonathan and I are busy
which means we haven't really talked
in quite some time. 
(well to some people it might seem like not long at all
but for us it feels like it's been forever!
It has been sense... Saturday? I think?)

It has been really hard for me. 
Not being able hear his voice
I have been having trouble falling asleep. 
Not positive why, 
but I think that is one of the many reasons. 
(last night, despite being completely pooped, 
I lay in bed awake starting at 10
until I fell asleep at 2:30)

Aaaany way, I've been loving 
"weird" music lately. 
I say it's weird not because 
there is anything wrong with it, 
just that it is different from what I normally listen to
But who am I kidding? 
I don't have any one genre I stick to.
My itunes has everything from 
Flogging Molly, to Brad Paisley  

This is one of the songs I've become obsessed with
I listen to it a few times a day. 
Enjoy. 
Home-Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

Sunday, September 11, 2011

WTF Do You Do?

Ok! So this is to all you long distance-ers
Namely Military long distance-ers
While this isn't just to military relationships, 
I think the only ones who can truly relate, 
are Military because their free time is so limited. 
(Grand total of 4 weeks a year 
are allowed to be spent away from work place/base)

So my question to all of you is: 
What do you do when you
don't live any where near your guys family
which means he is forced to choose between you and them
as far as his leave time goes. 
No matter what it is a win win, 
but at the same time no matter what it is a loose loose. 

If he goes to see you, you're ecstatic
but you are sad and feel guilty
because he is not seeing them. 
If he goes to see them, you are over the moon
but at the same time you're sad
and feeling guilty for feeling sad
because you're not getting to see him.

Now I'm asking every one on the interwebs this question
Because as far as I know, 
no one I can think of  that I know personally
has experience with this problem. 
All the military relationships I know 
met before their guys went into the military
which means they are from the same place. 
I am really hoping some one out here, 
in the wide wide interwebs
will have a similar situation
and can relate and give advice. 

Even if you aren't in a similar situation, 
if you think you have some good advice please give it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I'll Never Walk Alone...

What do you do when you don't know what's going on
When you don't know if you're over reacting
If the situation isn't as bad as it seems
Or if it's worse than it seems?
What do you do when the few people who can help you
are out of your reach?
When the one person you want to help
is beyond your grasp?
What do you do?

"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart"


Monday, September 5, 2011

My Safe Way Story.

So today during my hours of homework time, 
no joke, did homework from 10 am to 5 pm
soooo much fun, 
any way, after my hours of homework, 
I decided I'd take a break for some food
always a good reason to break if you ask me. 
Only problem is, I have no food. 
So off to Safe Way I went. 

It was quite a successfull trip as well. 
I got all kinds of yogurt, 
including cotton candy flavored go-gurt
(um, hell yes!)
Safe Way Select Salted Pretzel Carmel ice cream,
some Nature Vally snack bars, 
lunch meat, 
a new candle, 
AND an Amy's Spinach Pizza
only the best pizza in the world! 
(also, sadly most expensive, so I eat it about twice a year)

I made my merry way to my car
unpacked my things
and walked to the front seat when 
BAM
 there he was. 
a strange little man 
with a few missing teeth 
crazy grey hair
a huge beer belly
and more man purses 
than Zack Galifianakis would know what to do with

Any way, George, I've named him George, 
George allowed me to get into my front seat, 
as he was just about to walk by the drivers side of the car
as thanks I smiled and nodded as thanks and jumped in
the weird thing was, when he walked by, 
he looked in my car all through the middle and back
and then looked back at me in my side mirror and smiled again. 

George crossed the parking lot and stood there looking at my car
I waited a few seconds and backed out 
only to have him cross to the passangers side of my car
I almost hit him in the process. 
He just stood walking towards my passenger door with a smile on his face. 
Needless to say I smiled, waved and pressed on the gass
I watched him stand in the middle of the parking lot 
watching my car drive away

Once I was safely out of the parking lot I saw George
He was standing on the side walk, 
having followed my car out of the lot
just standing there, 
watching and smiling. 
Now at this point most girls would be creeped out
but for some reason 
I had to try with all my might not to crack up laughing
it just was so funny seeing him out of the corner of my eye
standing there with that toothless smile
obviously contemplating crossing traffic to try to climb into my car. 
Once I pulled away I did indulge in some laughter. 


Friday, September 2, 2011

The Matrix Has You.

"Welcome to the real world" 
WTF is up with that sentence? 
I've heard it more times than I can count. 
I heard it when I started high school 
I heard it when I started college
I heard it when I got my first job. 
I heard it when I took my first load of 18 units
Now I've heard it from 3 people
talking about my 20 units and 3 jobs. 
I'm not mad at any one person
Just mad at the sentence. 

No one says it in a welcoming way
Just a sarcastic way.
People say it and what they mean is 
"Please! I've been doing that 
for years now, 
welcome to my life"
What I wanna know is
When will I ever be in the 
"Real" World? 
What is the "real" world?
Why have I been living in a fake world my entire life?
When will I stop being welcomed into this 
"real" world
And just be let in

Supposedly the "real" world or 
"real" life
was going to start with college
But now that I'm there
people talk about graduation 
and talk about entering the 
"real" world or starting "real" life. 
Again... what have I been doing up till now
Pretending to live in a pretend world? 
I guess the Matrix has me.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I had never left home
Never gone to Sonoma
Stayed in Sacramento
I wish I still got that 
"aww I'm home!" 
feeling when I got into Sac
Not into RP 

Sometimes I wish I weren't dating a Coastie
Not because I don't love him
but because it means moving further away
which means my family moving on without me
as my sister put it 
"well you're moving on with out us, 
you're leaving us behind, 
what else are we supposed to do?"

Sometimes I wish I had never left home
then there are all the other times. 
All the times I am so happy I did
I've experienced more life
learned more and done more
than most of the people who stayed behind in Sac
I've been forced to grow up
I mean really grow up
No running to mom and dad's house as a safe place
no running to mom and dad for help
no being catered to
not that i'm all grown up, i've still got a looong way to go

Sometimes I wish I had never left home.
Then there are all the other times.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Not so long ago...

 (chubby freshman Emily Halloween '08 with the roomie Corie)

This year is the first year that I actually feel older than the freshman. 
It seems strange to think back on Freshman year. 
That first few days, how empty I felt when my mom and dad left.
I put on a smile and went along with every one else
"I'm so excited to be here and away from mom and dad."
But every night I cried myself to sleep. 

It is insane to think of how much has changed sense then. 
I can tell how much I've grown up. 
While I don't think I'm done growing, 
and know I have a lot to learn
I can't help but feel proud of myself for all the changes I've made
and things I've accomplished in the last 3 years. 

Accomplishment number 
one: 3.4 GPA
now, IDK if any of you know this, 
(because it's not something I brag about) 
but freshman year it was a miracle I wasn't kicked out
My GPA was less than a 1.0... that's right, less than a 1.0
But now, just two years later, I pulled it up to a 3.4
my counselor told me he would have looked at my transcript freshman year
and assumed that I would have just dropped out or been kicked out

two: lost nearly 60 pounds
blah blah blah
you all know the story

three: managed to land 3 jobs
Yup, after not giving up and applying to over 150 places
BAM I get three jobs all within a 5 month period. 
I guess hard work pays, doesn't it?

I'm sure there are more things,
but those are the ones that stand out to me the most right now

Aaany way. Just wanted to take a second to say 

to all you freshman:
GO TO CLASS. 
Have fun and remember, 
you get to choose who you are friends with
you're not stuck with the same people
if some one is treating you like crap, 
flush 'em down the toilet. 

To all you Seniors: 
We are almost there!
We can almost taste it!
Just don't loose focus and we'll do great!

(older skinnier and blurrier Emily with the new roomie Sonya!! <3)

Friends and therapy.



I miss the days when I had some one to talk to at all times. 
Now that all my friends are getting older they are moving on with their lives
They are dealing with their own problems, 
or hanging out with their loved ones. 
Though I know it may not be true, 
it feels like there is no time for me to bother them with my problems. 
So I keep them bottled up and talk to no one about it. 
Welcome to adult life I guess? 
(Maybe that's why so many grownups are so bitter?)

Monday, August 22, 2011

feeling proud of myself.


 In the last week I've done three things I've been avoiding
One is getting my ring sized that I've been meaning to do sense February 
Another is getting my boobies checked out, something I've been avoiding sense last summer
The last is having a talk with my mom I've been wanting to have for quite some time. 
I'm so glad I did all of them and am feeling so proud of myself!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Tomorrow: The day I've been avoiding for 13 months...


Tomorrow is a day I have been running from for 13 months now. 
It is the day I get checked for breast cancer
No, it is not a standard check. 
It is a "You have a huge lump in your boob, 
We need to check it out" check. 

My doctor has assured me that it is pretty movable, 
after doing a years worth of resarch
cancer isn't very movable and is stuck in place.
At the same time it is pretty large
When I move in a certain way it is visible from the surface. 
BUT I am also younger than the "normal" 
age for Breast Cancer to develop. 
Though I DO have a family history of breast cancer.
^ Pretty much my thought process for the last year sense we found the lump ^

As a way to stay calm 
I have lovingly named my right breast
My "Cancer boob."
I figure making jokes is a great way to deal with things that scare you
Right?

So tomorrow is the day I go for an ultrasound. 
That's right, I'm cool enough to get a boobie ultrasound
The fun thing is: Though my doctor sounded fairly sure the lump is not cancer
She wasn't so sure that it could stay in my boob. 
If it is too big they will still have to remove it
And she was definitely worried that it would be too big.
Which I am not looking forward to as I already hate the size of them. 
My cancer lump adds volume to one boob, which is better than no volume.
Did I mention that they will remove it either via surgery or large needle.
I say "nay" to both!
All I have to say is:
DON'T TAKE MY CANCER LUMP AWAY! 


(LMAO!)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Secrets, secrets are not nice...

 
I thought I'd left high school three years ago. 
I thought I was done with girls being immature
I thought that things like spreading lies were behind me
I thought that I would just hear about stuff like this on TV dramas
I thought that me, or some one I love, would never be subject to the rumor mill
I thought wrong.

"Secrets, secrets are not nice!
Secrets, Secrets, they cause fights!"

Monday, August 8, 2011

Welcome back numbness.

It's weird to think it's just been three weeks and one day
sense the last time I saw Jonathan. 
After just two weeks I was sure, 
not even just it felt like it had been, 
I was sure it had been a month. 
I don't even know how long to say it feels like it's been as of now.
BUT the good news is,
That familiar numb has set in

For the first time in four months
he isn't all I think about
yes I think of him often
but not non stop like I did the last time we were apart
It was so hard then because in my head it was gonna fly by
I didn't let myself get numb
I used to hate the numb
but now I welcome it with all my heart
Because though it feels awkward, and terrible
it is a million times better 
than feeling what I'd be feeling without it. 

With the numb you just feel like some thing is missing
like you're walking around with no pants on
it sucks, it's awkward, its uncomfortable 
and it feels like every one can tell just by looking at you
but it's better than constantly aching 
constantly hurting and not being able to focus on any task
So though it's back to walking around in the nude
I welcome it. 
Welcome back numbness.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Reason I'm In Love...

So I don't think I've told anyone this. 
But I was determined to not date Jonathan. 
I asked 5 different people if I should or not, 
Just because I was looking for some one to say 
"NO! DON'T DO IT! RUN!!"
I was scared to get in a relationship
with a guy who would just leave in 5 months. 

I discovered one of my favorite singers, 
Angel Taylor 
The same day I met Jonathan
I listened to her CD over and over, 
Finally I listened to the lyrics of this song
(other than the fact that the song talks about her
being black and her guy being white)
It described our relationship
at it's current status to a T. 

It was the lyric 
"I'm so weak and unable to
Picture you with someone other than me"
I realized, I don't want to picture him with anyone else
I don't want him to be with anyone else
I want him to be mine!
And that night I told him that I would be his girlfriend.
So ultimately, this song is the reason I'm in love. 


Monday, July 25, 2011

22 isn't THAT big of a number... right?

I've been struggling a lot more than I thought I would
It's been one week, but it feels like 3
It doesn't help that Jonathan is moving
All I want is to be there to help him. 
I didn't realize how much harder it would be
See, normally I have the distraction of school or work
The first time he left, I had school the next day. 
The second time I had school after a few days. 
The third time I had work just 6 hours later
This time, no school, no work, nothing.
So I sit at home all day, bored, missing him.
While writing this I decided that I am going to bake tomorrow, 
or cook. I just want to create something new. 
And do something that will distract me.
I just want to get into my numb place 
and stay there for the next 22 weeks till I see him again.

The Help


This book... I am not even going to try to describe it
Because even as an English Lit major, 
I know I can't do it justice. 
I will just tell you that it made me laugh out loud, 
gasp in shock, joy, and horror multiple times
And cry at least 6 times.
It taught me so much about the world, 
and about just how terrible things were for southern black women
I honest to God think every one should read it
It is one of the most shocking, sad, and funny things
I think I will ever read.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Fat and ugly!!

Confidence is a funny thing. 
It is so easy to fake
But so hard to get. 

I have never been the most confident person
For a while I got pretty dang good a faking it
One of the easiest ways to fake it is to act like it doesn't bug you
like the fact that you're over weight and covered in zits with nasty hair
isn't a problem at all, in fact you make fun of it
You start to make fun of your huge belly or big ass
Because if you're willing to make fun of yourself 
You can't care that you look the way you do right?


In pictures I used to make my face ugly on purpose
(Case in point the picture posted above)
Because then when the picture turned out ugly 
I could tell myself it wasn't because I was ugly, 
but because I made the ugly face. 
I was so scared to try to make a pretty face
because I knew it would turn out ugly, 
and that meant that I was ugly even at my prettiest.

Now things have changed. 
my confidence has gone through the roof. 
A lot of that is thanks to Jonathan, 
who is constantly telling my how beautiful I am
But a lot of it is thanks to my weight loss. 
I am still not up to the perfect confidence 
I am so scared of gaining weight back
that I would rather get a serious life threatening injury 
than gain even 10 lbs. 
Yeah. not good. 

But at the same time I have never, until now, 
looked at myself and thought 
"dang! I look good!"
Which happens a few times a month now. 
This picture is one example of that, when I saw it
all I could think is "OMG I look so small!!"
I love it!!


While I do still have room to grow
and still need to build up my confidence
I am so excited and proud of the improvement.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Relapse...

I relapsed today. 
I was doing so well. 
I teared up a little Monday, 
and not at all yesterday
And then this afternoon came along. 

(this picture cracked me up, I don't know why lol)
I was just sitting in bed thinking. 
Remembering last Summer
and how fun it was
I read all day,
and then hung out with Jonathan
and/or Megan at night. 

Even during Summer school 
it was awesome. 
Mornings with my best friend
Afternoons working out
showering just in time 
to hang out with Jonathan

I just got mad at myself
I took that time for granted
I miss having that gift, 
seeing him every day
being able to talk to him on the phone
every day with out fail
even just texting though out the day
I took all of it for granted

I just got so mad at myself 
for not being more thankful 
and then the water started
and wouldn't stop. 
finally, I decided I'd just write
it's amazing how much better 
writing these makes me feel.
I hope you guys don't get sic of me and my emo ways.

(The new look I'm thinkin of goin for
hahahaha!)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold.

First of all let me just say that I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long
It was because all I could think about was how excited I was to be seeing my guy
I didn't want to bore you all with the same topic over and over 

Second of all, if you don't feel like reading about my guy
reading about how hard it is to be apart from him 
or about anything sappy/sad/cheesy then stop reading this. 
no one is making you read this so if it bugs you you've only yourself to blame.

Jonathan left today. 
I hate these days. 
It hurts in a way that I don't even know how to explain. 
It literally messes with your body
I've had non stop head ache all day.
I was naucious all morning
As was he. 
My face hurts from crying
My nose is raw
My lips, of all things, are chapped. 
It sucks to say the least. 

The drive to the airport was the longest
yet fastest drive of my life
All I could think about 
was how I can remember picking him up
like it was 2 minutes ago

when we got to the airport 
it turned out his flight had been pushed back.
Now I had mixed feelings about this. 
It means more time with him, 
but it means more prolonged goodbye
The airport is awkward from the second we get there
you don't wanna get too comfortable with the person
just to have them taken away
so you get stuck in this awkward 
"ready to say good bye at any moment" 
thing which is incredibly draining. 

Any way, after we checked him in
and checked his bag
(for free, at leas there are some good things about military life)
we went into the room thing
that SFO has for military and their family
it was nice and quiet, good place to take a nap
We had 30 minutes of relaxing before it was time to wait in the security line
I got to wait with him for a little while because it was so long
Once it got to the part where it goes all twisty it was time for me to leave. 
and I lost it. 

Now I don't know if any of you have honest to God sobbed, 
but it hurts like hell. 
You literally can't breathe, 
your shoulders feel like they are going to fall off
and that spot on your nose/forehead between your eyes
starts pounding like some one is poking you over and over again
None of this is a pretty sight, not something you want to do in public
let alone when its the last time your guy is going to see you in person for a while.

But lucky me, I just stood there hugging him sobbing.
I don't remember anything other than trying to perfectly
ingrain how his hug felt into my mind. 
Then he gave me one last squeeze and I was off
Barely able to see though the tears
I made it down one flight of stairs 
before I jumped on the "up" escalator
and ran up them, (no idea how as I still couldn't see)
walked right up to him and said "I need one more" 
and hugged him one last good long hug.

Then it was really time to let him go. 
I wanted to stay and watch him but I couldn't do it. 
So I forced myself to walk to the escalator
and kept my eye on him as long as possible.
When I got to my car I sobbed till I started crying cuz my body hurt so bad.
(I gotta tell ya, I love that I'm emotional
because it means I express love, and joy so big, 
but when it comes to being sad, 
being this emotional is a bitch)

One way or another I made it home
My good friend Aaron opted to babysit me for the day
So we went and saw Harry Potter
(just as good the 2nd time as the 1st)
Now I'm home, in my painfully empty room
Holding my bunny and writing this. 
I try to be thankful that I even got to see him
But it's easier said than done. 

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. 
It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone 
in exchange for a little time with the one they love. 
It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, 
even if they don't see it nearly enough..."


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Thespian at Heart

For those of you who don't know, 
My aunts take my sister and I to Ashland every summer 
for the Shakespeare festival

(no, I did not take this photo, that's not allowed lol!)

It is one of my favorite summer events
Everything about it is incredible
This year we saw
"August: Osage County" 
"Pirates of Penzance"
and "Love's Labour's Lost"
They were each wonderful in their own way
I have to say this year the best one was "Pirates" 
Though nothing will beat last year's "Hamlet"


Then there is Lithia Park
It is one of the most beautiful parks ever
It is filled with all kinds of paths
All varieties of flowers 
The most beautiful streams ever
\And duck ponds complete with turtles and ducks!


Then there's the food
All the food is amazing
Every year we hit up the same four places while on our trip
The Brewery
Munchies
Brother's
and Martino's
Then of course there is the ice cream 
we always get after the plays
This year was a sad food year for me
As I chose to stick to my diet. 
I ate a whole lot of salad 
and only indulged in the ice cream once.
It payed off though, it's looking like I didn't gain weight!
(I need to weigh myself tomorrow morning to be sure
but as of this evening's weigh in I was up just .8 lbs
which is what I normally am at the end of the day)


This year the trip also included a second park walk
It was one that had all sorts of gardens
Each garden attracted a different animal 
or taught something new
One we went in was all about birds. 
They even had a model birds nest for kids to play in
Naturally I had a go. 
There was also a lovely boulder for climbing in the park
I took it on. 
Aaron Ralston would have been proud.



It is always a sad day when the trip is over
It is such a fun trip, 
not just because of the food
the parks, or even the plays
but because it is one of the few times a year I get to see my aunts
and now that I am officially moved away from home
few times I get to see my sister
Overall it was an incredible trip, as always

(This is the first picture of myself that I actually like!
I saw it and thought "Dang I look good! I look little!"
I'll be posting a blog dealing with the subject of my confidence soon)