Saturday, July 30, 2011

The Reason I'm In Love...

So I don't think I've told anyone this. 
But I was determined to not date Jonathan. 
I asked 5 different people if I should or not, 
Just because I was looking for some one to say 
I was scared to get in a relationship
with a guy who would just leave in 5 months. 

I discovered one of my favorite singers, 
Angel Taylor 
The same day I met Jonathan
I listened to her CD over and over, 
Finally I listened to the lyrics of this song
(other than the fact that the song talks about her
being black and her guy being white)
It described our relationship
at it's current status to a T. 

It was the lyric 
"I'm so weak and unable to
Picture you with someone other than me"
I realized, I don't want to picture him with anyone else
I don't want him to be with anyone else
I want him to be mine!
And that night I told him that I would be his girlfriend.
So ultimately, this song is the reason I'm in love. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

22 isn't THAT big of a number... right?

I've been struggling a lot more than I thought I would
It's been one week, but it feels like 3
It doesn't help that Jonathan is moving
All I want is to be there to help him. 
I didn't realize how much harder it would be
See, normally I have the distraction of school or work
The first time he left, I had school the next day. 
The second time I had school after a few days. 
The third time I had work just 6 hours later
This time, no school, no work, nothing.
So I sit at home all day, bored, missing him.
While writing this I decided that I am going to bake tomorrow, 
or cook. I just want to create something new. 
And do something that will distract me.
I just want to get into my numb place 
and stay there for the next 22 weeks till I see him again.

The Help

This book... I am not even going to try to describe it
Because even as an English Lit major, 
I know I can't do it justice. 
I will just tell you that it made me laugh out loud, 
gasp in shock, joy, and horror multiple times
And cry at least 6 times.
It taught me so much about the world, 
and about just how terrible things were for southern black women
I honest to God think every one should read it
It is one of the most shocking, sad, and funny things
I think I will ever read.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Fat and ugly!!

Confidence is a funny thing. 
It is so easy to fake
But so hard to get. 

I have never been the most confident person
For a while I got pretty dang good a faking it
One of the easiest ways to fake it is to act like it doesn't bug you
like the fact that you're over weight and covered in zits with nasty hair
isn't a problem at all, in fact you make fun of it
You start to make fun of your huge belly or big ass
Because if you're willing to make fun of yourself 
You can't care that you look the way you do right?

In pictures I used to make my face ugly on purpose
(Case in point the picture posted above)
Because then when the picture turned out ugly 
I could tell myself it wasn't because I was ugly, 
but because I made the ugly face. 
I was so scared to try to make a pretty face
because I knew it would turn out ugly, 
and that meant that I was ugly even at my prettiest.

Now things have changed. 
my confidence has gone through the roof. 
A lot of that is thanks to Jonathan, 
who is constantly telling my how beautiful I am
But a lot of it is thanks to my weight loss. 
I am still not up to the perfect confidence 
I am so scared of gaining weight back
that I would rather get a serious life threatening injury 
than gain even 10 lbs. 
Yeah. not good. 

But at the same time I have never, until now, 
looked at myself and thought 
"dang! I look good!"
Which happens a few times a month now. 
This picture is one example of that, when I saw it
all I could think is "OMG I look so small!!"
I love it!!

While I do still have room to grow
and still need to build up my confidence
I am so excited and proud of the improvement.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I relapsed today. 
I was doing so well. 
I teared up a little Monday, 
and not at all yesterday
And then this afternoon came along. 

(this picture cracked me up, I don't know why lol)
I was just sitting in bed thinking. 
Remembering last Summer
and how fun it was
I read all day,
and then hung out with Jonathan
and/or Megan at night. 

Even during Summer school 
it was awesome. 
Mornings with my best friend
Afternoons working out
showering just in time 
to hang out with Jonathan

I just got mad at myself
I took that time for granted
I miss having that gift, 
seeing him every day
being able to talk to him on the phone
every day with out fail
even just texting though out the day
I took all of it for granted

I just got so mad at myself 
for not being more thankful 
and then the water started
and wouldn't stop. 
finally, I decided I'd just write
it's amazing how much better 
writing these makes me feel.
I hope you guys don't get sic of me and my emo ways.

(The new look I'm thinkin of goin for

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold.

First of all let me just say that I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long
It was because all I could think about was how excited I was to be seeing my guy
I didn't want to bore you all with the same topic over and over 

Second of all, if you don't feel like reading about my guy
reading about how hard it is to be apart from him 
or about anything sappy/sad/cheesy then stop reading this. 
no one is making you read this so if it bugs you you've only yourself to blame.

Jonathan left today. 
I hate these days. 
It hurts in a way that I don't even know how to explain. 
It literally messes with your body
I've had non stop head ache all day.
I was naucious all morning
As was he. 
My face hurts from crying
My nose is raw
My lips, of all things, are chapped. 
It sucks to say the least. 

The drive to the airport was the longest
yet fastest drive of my life
All I could think about 
was how I can remember picking him up
like it was 2 minutes ago

when we got to the airport 
it turned out his flight had been pushed back.
Now I had mixed feelings about this. 
It means more time with him, 
but it means more prolonged goodbye
The airport is awkward from the second we get there
you don't wanna get too comfortable with the person
just to have them taken away
so you get stuck in this awkward 
"ready to say good bye at any moment" 
thing which is incredibly draining. 

Any way, after we checked him in
and checked his bag
(for free, at leas there are some good things about military life)
we went into the room thing
that SFO has for military and their family
it was nice and quiet, good place to take a nap
We had 30 minutes of relaxing before it was time to wait in the security line
I got to wait with him for a little while because it was so long
Once it got to the part where it goes all twisty it was time for me to leave. 
and I lost it. 

Now I don't know if any of you have honest to God sobbed, 
but it hurts like hell. 
You literally can't breathe, 
your shoulders feel like they are going to fall off
and that spot on your nose/forehead between your eyes
starts pounding like some one is poking you over and over again
None of this is a pretty sight, not something you want to do in public
let alone when its the last time your guy is going to see you in person for a while.

But lucky me, I just stood there hugging him sobbing.
I don't remember anything other than trying to perfectly
ingrain how his hug felt into my mind. 
Then he gave me one last squeeze and I was off
Barely able to see though the tears
I made it down one flight of stairs 
before I jumped on the "up" escalator
and ran up them, (no idea how as I still couldn't see)
walked right up to him and said "I need one more" 
and hugged him one last good long hug.

Then it was really time to let him go. 
I wanted to stay and watch him but I couldn't do it. 
So I forced myself to walk to the escalator
and kept my eye on him as long as possible.
When I got to my car I sobbed till I started crying cuz my body hurt so bad.
(I gotta tell ya, I love that I'm emotional
because it means I express love, and joy so big, 
but when it comes to being sad, 
being this emotional is a bitch)

One way or another I made it home
My good friend Aaron opted to babysit me for the day
So we went and saw Harry Potter
(just as good the 2nd time as the 1st)
Now I'm home, in my painfully empty room
Holding my bunny and writing this. 
I try to be thankful that I even got to see him
But it's easier said than done. 

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. 
It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone 
in exchange for a little time with the one they love. 
It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, 
even if they don't see it nearly enough..."