One year ago...

So it has been exactly a year sense Jonathan left

I remember that day painfully crystal clear. 

We woke up around 9, and slowly 

got all his things gathered out of my room

We both kept coming up with excuses to prolong the good bye. 

We went and got some sandwiches that we decided his mom HAD to try

Took our sweet time eating them

Thank God his mom was there, 

or we would have kept coming up with excuses.

(This is from our second good bye

I have a weird thing about taking a picture

right before we have to say good bye

Don't have one from our first good bye)

When the car was all packed and ready to go

I said good bye to his mom and gave her a hug, 

she sweetly gave us a moment of privacy to say good bye

I couldn't even hug him. 

I knew if I did I would loose it. 

He hugged me but I basically pushed him away in response. 

I remember staying long enough to watch his car turn to leave my appartment

Then I remember being in my bed, my pillow soaked, 10 minutes later

It was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with

I was positive when he was leaving that I would never see him again. 

I was willing to bet my life and his that it was good bye for ever. 

That "fact" killed me.

 (waiting outside the gate at the air port, 

our third good bye)

Now a year later I see how silly I was to think that. 

Our second good bye I still thought that to an extent, 

but now I know that it's not good bye it's "see you in a few months" 

We are not perfect, the distance gets to us like crazy

We fight every week, sometimes twice a week, 

We both get irritated when we don't get to talk, 

with each other and the world,

Even when we are fighting I love him with my whole heart

I know even when I am mad and wanting to smack him

that he is the love of my life, and always will be. 

Lately it's gotten to the point that all I care about is the fact that I love him

Our last 5 fights have ended with me saying 

"Can we just be done fighting and love each other again?"

I used to just want to be the right one, 

or just want to hear him say sorry

but now all I care about is that I love him

This sudden shift in the way I think about us

has made me love him even more, 

and made me more confident in us 

(our most recent good bye right before security

I got myself to stop crying just long enough to snap the picture)

We still have another 21 months to go

until the day will come that I'll be done with school

and able to join him where ever he is in the US. 

The decision to continue school in CA was incredibly hard

If I weren't doing it we would just have another 9 months. 

I know deep down that it is the best thing for me, 

even if it may be the hardest thing (I hope) I will ever do 

I know that in order to have the life I want for both us, and our kids

I need to have the means to get everything we will need, 

I need to continue my life long dream of teaching to be happy

And my amazing, wonderful man, has said "we will make it work" 

and told me no matter what, he will support me, and help me in any way he can

Even though it will be hard I know we can do it

Besides, after going a total of 2 years and 9 months 1,800 miles apart, 

We'll be able to make it through any curve ball life throws our way.