Monday, November 14, 2011


So I realized when one of you bloggies, 
(whom I love forever for doing this)
noticed that something was up with me and asked if I was ok. 
I realized it is easy for me to let you all in when I'm excited
It's easy to let you in when I am devastated about Jonathan leaving
But it's impossible when life is just regular ol' hard. 
Let me tell you life has been hard this semester. 
My family took two major hits no one saw coming,
Neither of which I am quite ready to talk about,
(one of which I can't talk about due to respecting my family's privacy)
School has been more stressful than I knew possible, 
and the future has been scaring me more than ever. 
So I decided if I let you all in on the good, 
I should let you in on the bad as well. 
If one of you who hardly knows me cares enough about me, 
Maybe the rest of you will too. 

I'm starting off my new found goal with my most written about topic: 
I am having a... weird reaction this time. 
I am doing fine, 
I haven't cried in a long time
Didn't cry too much when he left
I don't feel as upset as I usually do, 
I'm at my numb place and have been for a while, 
yet some how I feel more alone than I ever have before. 
I don't know if it's because of everything I've been going through.
It's for sure been hard to not have his support
It's been hard to not have him right here for me. 
It's been just as hard for him
This results in fights which adds to how hard it is. 

The other thing that is... well different,
It's how jealous I have been sense he left. 
EVERY THING makes me jealous
Seeing my friends talk about going to lunch with their hubbies
Seeing them talk about coming home to their hubbies
Seeing them talk about their men helping them, and being there for them.
Seeing them talk about missing their guys
after only a few hours or days
Seeing my friends talk about being with their families
(hubbies and kids) 

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. 
I don't know who to turn to
I don't know who I can lean on 
that can help me with everything that's happened
I don't know how to stop myself from acting the way I've been acting. 
Basically I am hanging on by a thread for the end of 2011 to get here. 
I need a new start
A new semester
My family to be ok and on their way to recovery
I need my guys arms around me. 
I need to feel ok again. 

(How I will feel at midnight as soon as 2012 starts)

(ahhh I feel so awkward posting this
I sound so emo. 
Things probably aren't as bad as I'm making it sound
But I am forcing myself to not edit
or change anything. 
If I wanna open myself to you all
then I need to open myself
letting you in on the good, the bad, and the ugly)