Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I am beautiful?

It is something every one struggles with. 
Boys and girls alike. 
(though if they have the same amount 
of pressure to look a certain way 
is a whole different story, 
for a whole different blog) 

I've been working towards improving my confidence
for over 3 years now. 
The first step was loosing weight
Which I did. 
The second step was accepting my body type
Which I did. 
Until I didn't any more. 
The third step was loosing more weight
Which I did. 
Till it became difficult. 
The fourth step, was loosing more weight at any cost
It didn't matter how few calories I ate, 
or how many calories I burned, 
even if it meant getting rid of the "excess" calories/food fast
 the only way I knew how.
Which I did.
(I'm NOT doing that any more,
not to worry, I woke up and realized
how self destructive I had become
and put a stopper to it right away)
I am telling you all this 
because I think a lot of people think I am Miss Confident
I STILL get messages on how I did it, 
on how I lost weight and how I got so confident all of a sudden.
The truth is: 
I've just become a master at faking it. 
When I look in the mirror I still feel fat. 
I see my pudgy stomach.
I see my HUGE thighs. 
I see my round face. 
I see my saggy arms.
I see my double chin. 
I see my fat calves. 
I see my weird fore-arms.
I see my 
and fat, fat, fat!
I see all my flaws, 
both those that exist
and those that don't exist.

The point is
No matter who you are, 
what size you are, 
what weight you are, 
there will always be something you want to change about yourself. 
You know what that means? 
That girl, you know the one, 
the one who is perfect
When she looks in the mirror
she sees anything but perfection. 

I finally decided that the only way to raise my confidence
is to not only stop criticizing myself
but to stop criticizing people around me as well. 
I think we all do it, most of the time with out realizing it
The only way to be truly happy with yourself, 
and to recognize how beautiful you are
is to recognize how beautiful the world around you is. 
This life that we are given is truly wonderful
Why waist it hating the body you have?
Why not live what little time you have to the fullest 
Being proud of the way you look, 
and the way every one around you looks as well. 

If you have any ideas of how to improve confidence level 
PLEASE don't hesitate to comment them
God knows we can't have too many tips on the topic.

(This blog is in NO WAY a "poor me i feel fat" blog
I just felt like sharing how I was feeling today
and what I've been thinking about the past few days, 
It is a "lets all come together and embrace ourselves and our "flaws"' blog)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

New Favorite Song

I just wanna sing it at the top of my lungs all the time!
Thank goodness Jonathan doesn't mind
or we would have issues as of late. 
I've sung it to him about 6 times in 24 hours.

I blame Jenah
She is the one who showed me 
how fun it is to rock out to in the car.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

These are a few of my favorite things...

I don't know if you know this, 
but I LOVE smells. 
I love candles
I love wall plugs
I love perfume
and I love fragrant lotions

I love them so much in fact that right now I have
6 candles
7 wall plugs
9 perfumes
13 lotions
Obsessed? Yes

One of my favorite lotions!
It smells so fresh, clean, and feminine

And my newest perfume
I am obsessed with it!
It smells so fancy and grown up

Friday, September 16, 2011

Just call me Jared

So for a while now I've been wanting to get a picture of myself
in jeans the size I wore when I was at my biggest
Today I finally did it.  
Now keep in mind in order to get them on back in the day
I had to 
and just about everything else you can think of
(basically I should have been wearing at least 2 pant sizes larger
to be wearing pants that actually fit me without giving me a muffin top)

The jeans I tried on today were "Jeggings" from AE
Keep in mind, these jeans are supposed to fit
like a second layer of skin

What is amazing is in the legs
there was enough room left to fit at least an arm
I didn't actually try cuz that just sounds painful

(yes, I realize I have that nasty pooch thing, 
but I've been workin on it lol)
This is the side view, the entire front was pulled away from my body
on this you can really see how lumpy and baggy the legs were

Now for how I look in the jeans I wore to the mall
These are a grand total of 6 sizes smaller
and have their own couple inches of breathing room

Just call me Jared from Subway. :)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Rough Patch...

That's right ladies and gents. 
I've hit my first rough patch. 
I'm so proud of myself that it's taken me this long!
I lasted 2 months. :D
That means I am getting better at this crap long distance.

I have hit my rough patch. 
Namely because both Jonathan and I are busy
which means we haven't really talked
in quite some time. 
(well to some people it might seem like not long at all
but for us it feels like it's been forever!
It has been sense... Saturday? I think?)

It has been really hard for me. 
Not being able hear his voice
I have been having trouble falling asleep. 
Not positive why, 
but I think that is one of the many reasons. 
(last night, despite being completely pooped, 
I lay in bed awake starting at 10
until I fell asleep at 2:30)

Aaaany way, I've been loving 
"weird" music lately. 
I say it's weird not because 
there is anything wrong with it, 
just that it is different from what I normally listen to
But who am I kidding? 
I don't have any one genre I stick to.
My itunes has everything from 
Flogging Molly, to Brad Paisley  

This is one of the songs I've become obsessed with
I listen to it a few times a day. 
Home-Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

Sunday, September 11, 2011

WTF Do You Do?

Ok! So this is to all you long distance-ers
Namely Military long distance-ers
While this isn't just to military relationships, 
I think the only ones who can truly relate, 
are Military because their free time is so limited. 
(Grand total of 4 weeks a year 
are allowed to be spent away from work place/base)

So my question to all of you is: 
What do you do when you
don't live any where near your guys family
which means he is forced to choose between you and them
as far as his leave time goes. 
No matter what it is a win win, 
but at the same time no matter what it is a loose loose. 

If he goes to see you, you're ecstatic
but you are sad and feel guilty
because he is not seeing them. 
If he goes to see them, you are over the moon
but at the same time you're sad
and feeling guilty for feeling sad
because you're not getting to see him.

Now I'm asking every one on the interwebs this question
Because as far as I know, 
no one I can think of  that I know personally
has experience with this problem. 
All the military relationships I know 
met before their guys went into the military
which means they are from the same place. 
I am really hoping some one out here, 
in the wide wide interwebs
will have a similar situation
and can relate and give advice. 

Even if you aren't in a similar situation, 
if you think you have some good advice please give it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I'll Never Walk Alone...

What do you do when you don't know what's going on
When you don't know if you're over reacting
If the situation isn't as bad as it seems
Or if it's worse than it seems?
What do you do when the few people who can help you
are out of your reach?
When the one person you want to help
is beyond your grasp?
What do you do?

"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart"

Monday, September 5, 2011

My Safe Way Story.

So today during my hours of homework time, 
no joke, did homework from 10 am to 5 pm
soooo much fun, 
any way, after my hours of homework, 
I decided I'd take a break for some food
always a good reason to break if you ask me. 
Only problem is, I have no food. 
So off to Safe Way I went. 

It was quite a successfull trip as well. 
I got all kinds of yogurt, 
including cotton candy flavored go-gurt
(um, hell yes!)
Safe Way Select Salted Pretzel Carmel ice cream,
some Nature Vally snack bars, 
lunch meat, 
a new candle, 
AND an Amy's Spinach Pizza
only the best pizza in the world! 
(also, sadly most expensive, so I eat it about twice a year)

I made my merry way to my car
unpacked my things
and walked to the front seat when 
 there he was. 
a strange little man 
with a few missing teeth 
crazy grey hair
a huge beer belly
and more man purses 
than Zack Galifianakis would know what to do with

Any way, George, I've named him George, 
George allowed me to get into my front seat, 
as he was just about to walk by the drivers side of the car
as thanks I smiled and nodded as thanks and jumped in
the weird thing was, when he walked by, 
he looked in my car all through the middle and back
and then looked back at me in my side mirror and smiled again. 

George crossed the parking lot and stood there looking at my car
I waited a few seconds and backed out 
only to have him cross to the passangers side of my car
I almost hit him in the process. 
He just stood walking towards my passenger door with a smile on his face. 
Needless to say I smiled, waved and pressed on the gass
I watched him stand in the middle of the parking lot 
watching my car drive away

Once I was safely out of the parking lot I saw George
He was standing on the side walk, 
having followed my car out of the lot
just standing there, 
watching and smiling. 
Now at this point most girls would be creeped out
but for some reason 
I had to try with all my might not to crack up laughing
it just was so funny seeing him out of the corner of my eye
standing there with that toothless smile
obviously contemplating crossing traffic to try to climb into my car. 
Once I pulled away I did indulge in some laughter. 

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Matrix Has You.

"Welcome to the real world" 
WTF is up with that sentence? 
I've heard it more times than I can count. 
I heard it when I started high school 
I heard it when I started college
I heard it when I got my first job. 
I heard it when I took my first load of 18 units
Now I've heard it from 3 people
talking about my 20 units and 3 jobs. 
I'm not mad at any one person
Just mad at the sentence. 

No one says it in a welcoming way
Just a sarcastic way.
People say it and what they mean is 
"Please! I've been doing that 
for years now, 
welcome to my life"
What I wanna know is
When will I ever be in the 
"Real" World? 
What is the "real" world?
Why have I been living in a fake world my entire life?
When will I stop being welcomed into this 
"real" world
And just be let in

Supposedly the "real" world or 
"real" life
was going to start with college
But now that I'm there
people talk about graduation 
and talk about entering the 
"real" world or starting "real" life. 
Again... what have I been doing up till now
Pretending to live in a pretend world? 
I guess the Matrix has me.

Thursday, September 1, 2011


Sometimes I wish I had never left home
Never gone to Sonoma
Stayed in Sacramento
I wish I still got that 
"aww I'm home!" 
feeling when I got into Sac
Not into RP 

Sometimes I wish I weren't dating a Coastie
Not because I don't love him
but because it means moving further away
which means my family moving on without me
as my sister put it 
"well you're moving on with out us, 
you're leaving us behind, 
what else are we supposed to do?"

Sometimes I wish I had never left home
then there are all the other times. 
All the times I am so happy I did
I've experienced more life
learned more and done more
than most of the people who stayed behind in Sac
I've been forced to grow up
I mean really grow up
No running to mom and dad's house as a safe place
no running to mom and dad for help
no being catered to
not that i'm all grown up, i've still got a looong way to go

Sometimes I wish I had never left home.
Then there are all the other times.