Sunday, August 28, 2011

Not so long ago...

 (chubby freshman Emily Halloween '08 with the roomie Corie)

This year is the first year that I actually feel older than the freshman. 
It seems strange to think back on Freshman year. 
That first few days, how empty I felt when my mom and dad left.
I put on a smile and went along with every one else
"I'm so excited to be here and away from mom and dad."
But every night I cried myself to sleep. 

It is insane to think of how much has changed sense then. 
I can tell how much I've grown up. 
While I don't think I'm done growing, 
and know I have a lot to learn
I can't help but feel proud of myself for all the changes I've made
and things I've accomplished in the last 3 years. 

Accomplishment number 
one: 3.4 GPA
now, IDK if any of you know this, 
(because it's not something I brag about) 
but freshman year it was a miracle I wasn't kicked out
My GPA was less than a 1.0... that's right, less than a 1.0
But now, just two years later, I pulled it up to a 3.4
my counselor told me he would have looked at my transcript freshman year
and assumed that I would have just dropped out or been kicked out

two: lost nearly 60 pounds
blah blah blah
you all know the story

three: managed to land 3 jobs
Yup, after not giving up and applying to over 150 places
BAM I get three jobs all within a 5 month period. 
I guess hard work pays, doesn't it?

I'm sure there are more things,
but those are the ones that stand out to me the most right now

Aaany way. Just wanted to take a second to say 

to all you freshman:
Have fun and remember, 
you get to choose who you are friends with
you're not stuck with the same people
if some one is treating you like crap, 
flush 'em down the toilet. 

To all you Seniors: 
We are almost there!
We can almost taste it!
Just don't loose focus and we'll do great!

(older skinnier and blurrier Emily with the new roomie Sonya!! <3)

Friends and therapy.

I miss the days when I had some one to talk to at all times. 
Now that all my friends are getting older they are moving on with their lives
They are dealing with their own problems, 
or hanging out with their loved ones. 
Though I know it may not be true, 
it feels like there is no time for me to bother them with my problems. 
So I keep them bottled up and talk to no one about it. 
Welcome to adult life I guess? 
(Maybe that's why so many grownups are so bitter?)

Monday, August 22, 2011

feeling proud of myself.

 In the last week I've done three things I've been avoiding
One is getting my ring sized that I've been meaning to do sense February 
Another is getting my boobies checked out, something I've been avoiding sense last summer
The last is having a talk with my mom I've been wanting to have for quite some time. 
I'm so glad I did all of them and am feeling so proud of myself!

Monday, August 15, 2011

Tomorrow: The day I've been avoiding for 13 months...

Tomorrow is a day I have been running from for 13 months now. 
It is the day I get checked for breast cancer
No, it is not a standard check. 
It is a "You have a huge lump in your boob, 
We need to check it out" check. 

My doctor has assured me that it is pretty movable, 
after doing a years worth of resarch
cancer isn't very movable and is stuck in place.
At the same time it is pretty large
When I move in a certain way it is visible from the surface. 
BUT I am also younger than the "normal" 
age for Breast Cancer to develop. 
Though I DO have a family history of breast cancer.
^ Pretty much my thought process for the last year sense we found the lump ^

As a way to stay calm 
I have lovingly named my right breast
My "Cancer boob."
I figure making jokes is a great way to deal with things that scare you

So tomorrow is the day I go for an ultrasound. 
That's right, I'm cool enough to get a boobie ultrasound
The fun thing is: Though my doctor sounded fairly sure the lump is not cancer
She wasn't so sure that it could stay in my boob. 
If it is too big they will still have to remove it
And she was definitely worried that it would be too big.
Which I am not looking forward to as I already hate the size of them. 
My cancer lump adds volume to one boob, which is better than no volume.
Did I mention that they will remove it either via surgery or large needle.
I say "nay" to both!
All I have to say is:


Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Secrets, secrets are not nice...

I thought I'd left high school three years ago. 
I thought I was done with girls being immature
I thought that things like spreading lies were behind me
I thought that I would just hear about stuff like this on TV dramas
I thought that me, or some one I love, would never be subject to the rumor mill
I thought wrong.

"Secrets, secrets are not nice!
Secrets, Secrets, they cause fights!"

Monday, August 8, 2011

Welcome back numbness.

It's weird to think it's just been three weeks and one day
sense the last time I saw Jonathan. 
After just two weeks I was sure, 
not even just it felt like it had been, 
I was sure it had been a month. 
I don't even know how long to say it feels like it's been as of now.
BUT the good news is,
That familiar numb has set in

For the first time in four months
he isn't all I think about
yes I think of him often
but not non stop like I did the last time we were apart
It was so hard then because in my head it was gonna fly by
I didn't let myself get numb
I used to hate the numb
but now I welcome it with all my heart
Because though it feels awkward, and terrible
it is a million times better 
than feeling what I'd be feeling without it. 

With the numb you just feel like some thing is missing
like you're walking around with no pants on
it sucks, it's awkward, its uncomfortable 
and it feels like every one can tell just by looking at you
but it's better than constantly aching 
constantly hurting and not being able to focus on any task
So though it's back to walking around in the nude
I welcome it. 
Welcome back numbness.