Weird...

So I realized when one of you bloggies, 

(whom I love forever for doing this)

noticed that something was up with me and asked if I was ok. 

I realized it is easy for me to let you all in when I'm excited, 

It's easy to let you in when I am devastated about Jonathan leaving

But it's impossible when life is just regular ol' hard. 

Let me tell you life has been hard this semester. 

My family took two major hits no one saw coming,

Neither of which I am quite ready to talk about,

(one of which I can't talk about due to respecting my family's privacy)

School has been more stressful than I knew possible, 

and the future has been scaring me more than ever. 

So I decided if I let you all in on the good, 

I should let you in on the bad as well. 

If one of you who hardly knows me cares enough about me, 

Maybe the rest of you will too. 

I'm starting off my new found goal with my most written about topic: 

Jonathan 

I am having a... weird reaction this time. 

I am doing fine, 

I haven't cried in a long time

Didn't cry too much when he left

I don't feel as upset as I usually do, 

I'm at my numb place and have been for a while, 

yet some how I feel more alone than I ever have before. 

I don't know if it's because of everything I've been going through.

It's for sure been hard to not have his support, 

It's been hard to not have him right here for me. 

It's been just as hard for him

This results in fights which adds to how hard it is. 

The other thing that is... well different,

It's how jealous I have been sense he left. 

EVERY THING makes me jealous

Seeing my friends talk about going to lunch with their hubbies

Seeing them talk about coming home to their hubbies

Seeing them talk about their men helping them, and being there for them.

Seeing them talk about missing their guys

after only a few hours or days

Seeing my friends talk about being with their families

(hubbies and kids) 

I just don't know what to do or how to handle this. 

I don't know who to turn to

I don't know who I can lean on 

that can help me with everything that's happened

I don't know how to stop myself from acting the way I've been acting. 

Basically I am hanging on by a thread for the end of 2011 to get here. 

I need a new start. 

A new semester

My family to be ok and on their way to recovery

I need my guys arms around me. 

I need to feel ok again. 

(How I will feel at midnight as soon as 2012 starts)

(ahhh I feel so awkward posting this

I sound so emo. 

Things probably aren't as bad as I'm making it sound

But I am forcing myself to not edit

or change anything. 

If I wanna open myself to you all

then I need to open myself

letting you in on the good, the bad, and the ugly)

One year ago...

So it has been exactly a year sense Jonathan left

I remember that day painfully crystal clear. 

We woke up around 9, and slowly 

got all his things gathered out of my room

We both kept coming up with excuses to prolong the good bye. 

We went and got some sandwiches that we decided his mom HAD to try

Took our sweet time eating them

Thank God his mom was there, 

or we would have kept coming up with excuses.

(This is from our second good bye

I have a weird thing about taking a picture

right before we have to say good bye

Don't have one from our first good bye)

When the car was all packed and ready to go

I said good bye to his mom and gave her a hug, 

she sweetly gave us a moment of privacy to say good bye

I couldn't even hug him. 

I knew if I did I would loose it. 

He hugged me but I basically pushed him away in response. 

I remember staying long enough to watch his car turn to leave my appartment

Then I remember being in my bed, my pillow soaked, 10 minutes later

It was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with

I was positive when he was leaving that I would never see him again. 

I was willing to bet my life and his that it was good bye for ever. 

That "fact" killed me.

 (waiting outside the gate at the air port, 

our third good bye)

Now a year later I see how silly I was to think that. 

Our second good bye I still thought that to an extent, 

but now I know that it's not good bye it's "see you in a few months" 

We are not perfect, the distance gets to us like crazy

We fight every week, sometimes twice a week, 

We both get irritated when we don't get to talk, 

with each other and the world,

Even when we are fighting I love him with my whole heart

I know even when I am mad and wanting to smack him

that he is the love of my life, and always will be. 

Lately it's gotten to the point that all I care about is the fact that I love him

Our last 5 fights have ended with me saying 

"Can we just be done fighting and love each other again?"

I used to just want to be the right one, 

or just want to hear him say sorry

but now all I care about is that I love him

This sudden shift in the way I think about us

has made me love him even more, 

and made me more confident in us 

(our most recent good bye right before security

I got myself to stop crying just long enough to snap the picture)

We still have another 21 months to go

until the day will come that I'll be done with school

and able to join him where ever he is in the US. 

The decision to continue school in CA was incredibly hard

If I weren't doing it we would just have another 9 months. 

I know deep down that it is the best thing for me, 

even if it may be the hardest thing (I hope) I will ever do 

I know that in order to have the life I want for both us, and our kids

I need to have the means to get everything we will need, 

I need to continue my life long dream of teaching to be happy

And my amazing, wonderful man, has said "we will make it work" 

and told me no matter what, he will support me, and help me in any way he can

Even though it will be hard I know we can do it

Besides, after going a total of 2 years and 9 months 1,800 miles apart, 

We'll be able to make it through any curve ball life throws our way.

I am beautiful?

 

Confidence. 

It is something every one struggles with. 

Boys and girls alike. 

(though if they have the same amount 

of pressure to look a certain way 

is a whole different story, 

for a whole different blog) 

I've been working towards improving my confidence

for over 3 years now. 

The first step was loosing weight. 

Which I did. 

The second step was accepting my body type

Which I did. 

Until I didn't any more. 

The third step was loosing more weight

Which I did. 

Till it became difficult. 

The fourth step, was loosing more weight at any cost. 

It didn't matter how few calories I ate, 

or how many calories I burned, 

even if it meant getting rid of the "excess" calories/food fast

 the only way I knew how.

Which I did.
(I'm NOT doing that any more,
not to worry, I woke up and realized
how self destructive I had become
and put a stopper to it right away)

 

I am telling you all this 

because I think a lot of people think I am Miss Confident. 

I STILL get messages on how I did it, 

on how I lost weight and how I got so confident all of a sudden.

The truth is: 

I've just become a master at faking it. 

When I look in the mirror I still feel fat. 

I see my pudgy stomach.

I see my HUGE thighs. 

I see my round face. 

I see my saggy arms.

I see my double chin. 

I see my fat calves. 

I see my weird fore-arms.

I see my 

rolls, 

chunk,

jiggle, 

and fat, fat, fat!

I see all my flaws, 

both those that exist

and those that don't exist.

The point is

No matter who you are, 

what size you are, 

what weight you are, 

there will always be something you want to change about yourself. 

You know what that means? 

That girl, you know the one, 

the one who is perfect. 

When she looks in the mirror

she sees anything but perfection. 

I finally decided that the only way to raise my confidence

is to not only stop criticizing myself, 

but to stop criticizing people around me as well. 

I think we all do it, most of the time with out realizing it

The only way to be truly happy with yourself, 

and to recognize how beautiful you are

is to recognize how beautiful the world around you is. 

This life that we are given is truly wonderful

Why waist it hating the body you have?

Why not live what little time you have to the fullest 

Being proud of the way you look, 

and the way every one around you looks as well. 

If you have any ideas of how to improve confidence level 

PLEASE don't hesitate to comment them

God knows we can't have too many tips on the topic.

(This blog is in NO WAY a "poor me i feel fat" blog

I just felt like sharing how I was feeling today

and what I've been thinking about the past few days, 

It is a "lets all come together and embrace ourselves and our "flaws"' blog)

New Favorite Song

I just wanna sing it at the top of my lungs all the time!

Thank goodness Jonathan doesn't mind

or we would have issues as of late. 

I've sung it to him about 6 times in 24 hours.

I blame Jenah

She is the one who showed me 

how fun it is to rock out to in the car.

hoe. 

These are a few of my favorite things...

I don't know if you know this, 

but I LOVE smells. 

I love candles

I love wall plugs

I love perfume

and I love fragrant lotions. 

I love them so much in fact that right now I have

6 candles

7 wall plugs

9 perfumes

13 lotions

Obsessed? Yes. 

One of my favorite lotions!

It smells so fresh, clean, and feminine

And my newest perfume

I am obsessed with it!

It smells so fancy and grown up

Just call me Jared

So for a while now I've been wanting to get a picture of myself

in jeans the size I wore when I was at my biggest. 

Today I finally did it.  

Now keep in mind in order to get them on back in the day

I had to 

jump

wiggle

move

squat

roll 

and just about everything else you can think of

(basically I should have been wearing at least 2 pant sizes larger

to be wearing pants that actually fit me without giving me a muffin top)

The jeans I tried on today were "Jeggings" from AE

Keep in mind, these jeans are supposed to fit

like a second layer of skin

What is amazing is in the legs, 

there was enough room left to fit at least an arm

I didn't actually try cuz that just sounds painful

(yes, I realize I have that nasty pooch thing, 

but I've been workin on it lol)

This is the side view, the entire front was pulled away from my body

on this you can really see how lumpy and baggy the legs were

Now for how I look in the jeans I wore to the mall

These are a grand total of 6 sizes smaller

and have their own couple inches of breathing room

Just call me Jared from Subway. :)

Rough Patch...

That's right ladies and gents. 

I've hit my first rough patch. 

I'm so proud of myself that it's taken me this long!

I lasted 2 months. :D

That means I am getting better at this crap long distance.

I have hit my rough patch. 

Namely because both Jonathan and I are busy

which means we haven't really talked

in quite some time. 

(well to some people it might seem like not long at all

but for us it feels like it's been forever!

It has been sense... Saturday? I think?)

It has been really hard for me. 

Not being able hear his voice

I have been having trouble falling asleep. 

Not positive why, 

but I think that is one of the many reasons. 

(last night, despite being completely pooped, 

I lay in bed awake starting at 10, 

until I fell asleep at 2:30)

Aaaany way, I've been loving 

"weird" music lately. 

I say it's weird not because 

there is anything wrong with it, 

just that it is different from what I normally listen to

But who am I kidding? 

I don't have any one genre I stick to.

My itunes has everything from 

Flogging Molly, to Brad Paisley  

This is one of the songs I've become obsessed with

I listen to it a few times a day. 

Enjoy. 

Home-Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

WTF Do You Do?

Ok! So this is to all you long distance-ers

Namely Military long distance-ers

While this isn't just to military relationships, 

I think the only ones who can truly relate, 

are Military because their free time is so limited. 

(Grand total of 4 weeks a year 

are allowed to be spent away from work place/base)

So my question to all of you is: 

What do you do when you

don't live any where near your guys family

which means he is forced to choose between you and them
as far as his leave time goes. 

No matter what it is a win win, 

but at the same time no matter what it is a loose loose. 

If he goes to see you, you're ecstatic

but you are sad and feel guilty

because he is not seeing them. 

If he goes to see them, you are over the moon

but at the same time you're sad, 

and feeling guilty for feeling sad

because you're not getting to see him.

Now I'm asking every one on the interwebs this question

Because as far as I know, 

no one I can think of  that I know personally

has experience with this problem. 

All the military relationships I know 

met before their guys went into the military

which means they are from the same place. 

I am really hoping some one out here, 

in the wide wide interwebs

will have a similar situation

and can relate and give advice. 

Even if you aren't in a similar situation, 

if you think you have some good advice please give it.

I'll Never Walk Alone...

What do you do when you don't know what's going on

When you don't know if you're over reacting

If the situation isn't as bad as it seems

Or if it's worse than it seems?

What do you do when the few people who can help you

are out of your reach?

When the one person you want to help

is beyond your grasp?

What do you do?

"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart"

My Safe Way Story.

So today during my hours of homework time, 

no joke, did homework from 10 am to 5 pm

soooo much fun, 

any way, after my hours of homework, 

I decided I'd take a break for some food

always a good reason to break if you ask me. 

Only problem is, I have no food. 

So off to Safe Way I went. 

It was quite a successfull trip as well. 

I got all kinds of yogurt, 

including cotton candy flavored go-gurt

(um, hell yes!)

Safe Way Select Salted Pretzel Carmel ice cream,

some Nature Vally snack bars, 

lunch meat, 

a new candle, 

AND an Amy's Spinach Pizza

only the best pizza in the world! 

(also, sadly most expensive, so I eat it about twice a year)

I made my merry way to my car

unpacked my things

and walked to the front seat when 

BAM

 there he was. 

a strange little man 

with a few missing teeth 

crazy grey hair

a huge beer belly

and more man purses 

than Zack Galifianakis would know what to do with

Any way, George, I've named him George, 

George allowed me to get into my front seat, 

as he was just about to walk by the drivers side of the car

as thanks I smiled and nodded as thanks and jumped in

the weird thing was, when he walked by, 

he looked in my car all through the middle and back

and then looked back at me in my side mirror and smiled again. 

George crossed the parking lot and stood there looking at my car

I waited a few seconds and backed out 

only to have him cross to the passangers side of my car

I almost hit him in the process. 

He just stood walking towards my passenger door with a smile on his face. 

Needless to say I smiled, waved and pressed on the gass

I watched him stand in the middle of the parking lot 

watching my car drive away

Once I was safely out of the parking lot I saw George

He was standing on the side walk, 

having followed my car out of the lot

just standing there, 

watching and smiling. 

Now at this point most girls would be creeped out

but for some reason 

I had to try with all my might not to crack up laughing

it just was so funny seeing him out of the corner of my eye

standing there with that toothless smile

obviously contemplating crossing traffic to try to climb into my car. 

Once I pulled away I did indulge in some laughter. 

The Matrix Has You.

"Welcome to the real world" 

WTF is up with that sentence? 

I've heard it more times than I can count. 

I heard it when I started high school 

I heard it when I started college. 

I heard it when I got my first job. 

I heard it when I took my first load of 18 units. 

Now I've heard it from 3 people

talking about my 20 units and 3 jobs. 

I'm not mad at any one person

Just mad at the sentence. 

No one says it in a welcoming way

Just a sarcastic way.

People say it and what they mean is 

"Please! I've been doing that 

for years now, 

welcome to my life"

What I wanna know is

When will I ever be in the 

"Real" World? 

What is the "real" world?

Why have I been living in a fake world my entire life?

When will I stop being welcomed into this 

"real" world

And just be let in. 

Supposedly the "real" world or 

"real" life

was going to start with college

But now that I'm there

people talk about graduation 

and talk about entering the 

"real" world or starting "real" life. 

Again... what have I been doing up till now

Pretending to live in a pretend world? 

I guess the Matrix has me.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I had never left home

Never gone to Sonoma

Stayed in Sacramento

I wish I still got that 

"aww I'm home!" 

feeling when I got into Sac

Not into RP 

Sometimes I wish I weren't dating a Coastie

Not because I don't love him

but because it means moving further away

which means my family moving on without me

as my sister put it 

"well you're moving on with out us, 

you're leaving us behind, 

what else are we supposed to do?"

Sometimes I wish I had never left home

then there are all the other times. 

All the times I am so happy I did

I've experienced more life

learned more and done more

than most of the people who stayed behind in Sac

I've been forced to grow up

I mean really grow up

No running to mom and dad's house as a safe place

no running to mom and dad for help

no being catered to
not that i'm all grown up, i've still got a looong way to go

Sometimes I wish I had never left home.

Then there are all the other times.

Not so long ago...

 (chubby freshman Emily Halloween '08 with the roomie Corie)

This year is the first year that I actually feel older than the freshman. 

It seems strange to think back on Freshman year. 

That first few days, how empty I felt when my mom and dad left.

I put on a smile and went along with every one else

"I'm so excited to be here and away from mom and dad."

But every night I cried myself to sleep. 

It is insane to think of how much has changed sense then. 

I can tell how much I've grown up. 

While I don't think I'm done growing, 

and know I have a lot to learn

I can't help but feel proud of myself for all the changes I've made

and things I've accomplished in the last 3 years. 

Accomplishment number 

one: 3.4 GPA

now, IDK if any of you know this, 

(because it's not something I brag about) 

but freshman year it was a miracle I wasn't kicked out

My GPA was less than a 1.0... that's right, less than a 1.0

But now, just two years later, I pulled it up to a 3.4

my counselor told me he would have looked at my transcript freshman year

and assumed that I would have just dropped out or been kicked out

two: lost nearly 60 pounds

blah blah blah
you all know the story

three: managed to land 3 jobs

Yup, after not giving up and applying to over 150 places

BAM I get three jobs all within a 5 month period. 

I guess hard work pays, doesn't it?

I'm sure there are more things,

but those are the ones that stand out to me the most right now

Aaany way. Just wanted to take a second to say 

to all you freshman:

GO TO CLASS. 

Have fun and remember, 

you get to choose who you are friends with

you're not stuck with the same people

if some one is treating you like crap, 

flush 'em down the toilet. 

To all you Seniors: 

We are almost there!

We can almost taste it!

Just don't loose focus and we'll do great!

(older skinnier and blurrier Emily with the new roomie Sonya!! <3)

Friends and therapy.

I miss the days when I had some one to talk to at all times. 

Now that all my friends are getting older they are moving on with their lives

They are dealing with their own problems, 

or hanging out with their loved ones. 

Though I know it may not be true, 

it feels like there is no time for me to bother them with my problems. 

So I keep them bottled up and talk to no one about it. 

Welcome to adult life I guess? 

(Maybe that's why so many grownups are so bitter?)

feeling proud of myself.

 In the last week I've done three things I've been avoiding

One is getting my ring sized that I've been meaning to do sense February 

Another is getting my boobies checked out, something I've been avoiding sense last summer

The last is having a talk with my mom I've been wanting to have for quite some time. 

I'm so glad I did all of them and am feeling so proud of myself!

Tomorrow: The day I've been avoiding for 13 months...

Tomorrow is a day I have been running from for 13 months now. 

It is the day I get checked for breast cancer. 

No, it is not a standard check. 

It is a "You have a huge lump in your boob, 

We need to check it out" check. 

My doctor has assured me that it is pretty movable, 

after doing a years worth of resarch

cancer isn't very movable and is stuck in place.

At the same time it is pretty large

When I move in a certain way it is visible from the surface. 

BUT I am also younger than the "normal" 

age for Breast Cancer to develop. 

Though I DO have a family history of breast cancer.

^ Pretty much my thought process for the last year sense we found the lump ^

As a way to stay calm 

I have lovingly named my right breast

My "Cancer boob."

I figure making jokes is a great way to deal with things that scare you

Right?

So tomorrow is the day I go for an ultrasound. 

That's right, I'm cool enough to get a boobie ultrasound

The fun thing is: Though my doctor sounded fairly sure the lump is not cancer

She wasn't so sure that it could stay in my boob. 

If it is too big they will still have to remove it

And she was definitely worried that it would be too big.

Which I am not looking forward to as I already hate the size of them. 

My cancer lump adds volume to one boob, which is better than no volume.
Did I mention that they will remove it either via surgery or large needle.
I say "nay" to both!

All I have to say is:

DON'T TAKE MY CANCER LUMP AWAY! 

(LMAO!)

Secrets, secrets are not nice...

 

I thought I'd left high school three years ago. 

I thought I was done with girls being immature

I thought that things like spreading lies were behind me

I thought that I would just hear about stuff like this on TV dramas

I thought that me, or some one I love, would never be subject to the rumor mill

I thought wrong.

"Secrets, secrets are not nice!

Secrets, Secrets, they cause fights!"

Welcome back numbness.

It's weird to think it's just been three weeks and one day

sense the last time I saw Jonathan. 

After just two weeks I was sure, 

not even just it felt like it had been, 

I was sure it had been a month. 

I don't even know how long to say it feels like it's been as of now.

BUT the good news is,

That familiar numb has set in

For the first time in four months

he isn't all I think about

yes I think of him often

but not non stop like I did the last time we were apart

It was so hard then because in my head it was gonna fly by

I didn't let myself get numb

I used to hate the numb

but now I welcome it with all my heart

Because though it feels awkward, and terrible

it is a million times better 

than feeling what I'd be feeling without it. 

With the numb you just feel like some thing is missing

like you're walking around with no pants on

it sucks, it's awkward, its uncomfortable 

and it feels like every one can tell just by looking at you

but it's better than constantly aching 

constantly hurting and not being able to focus on any task

So though it's back to walking around in the nude

I welcome it. 

Welcome back numbness.

The Reason I'm In Love...

So I don't think I've told anyone this. 

But I was determined to not date Jonathan. 

I asked 5 different people if I should or not, 

Just because I was looking for some one to say 

"NO! DON'T DO IT! RUN!!"

I was scared to get in a relationship

with a guy who would just leave in 5 months. 

I discovered one of my favorite singers, 

Angel Taylor 

The same day I met Jonathan

I listened to her CD over and over, 

Finally I listened to the lyrics of this song

(other than the fact that the song talks about her

being black and her guy being white)

It described our relationship

at it's current status to a T. 

It was the lyric 

"I'm so weak and unable to

Picture you with someone other than me"

I realized, I don't want to picture him with anyone else

I don't want him to be with anyone else

I want him to be mine!

And that night I told him that I would be his girlfriend.

So ultimately, this song is the reason I'm in love. 

22 isn't THAT big of a number... right?

I've been struggling a lot more than I thought I would

It's been one week, but it feels like 3

It doesn't help that Jonathan is moving

All I want is to be there to help him. 

I didn't realize how much harder it would be

See, normally I have the distraction of school or work

The first time he left, I had school the next day. 

The second time I had school after a few days. 

The third time I had work just 6 hours later

This time, no school, no work, nothing.

So I sit at home all day, bored, missing him.
While writing this I decided that I am going to bake tomorrow, 

or cook. I just want to create something new. 

And do something that will distract me.

I just want to get into my numb place 

and stay there for the next 22 weeks till I see him again.

The Help

This book... I am not even going to try to describe it

Because even as an English Lit major, 

I know I can't do it justice. 

I will just tell you that it made me laugh out loud, 

gasp in shock, joy, and horror multiple times

And cry at least 6 times.

It taught me so much about the world, 

and about just how terrible things were for southern black women

I honest to God think every one should read it

It is one of the most shocking, sad, and funny things

I think I will ever read.

Fat and ugly!!

Confidence is a funny thing. 

It is so easy to fake

But so hard to get. 

I have never been the most confident person

For a while I got pretty dang good a faking it

One of the easiest ways to fake it is to act like it doesn't bug you

like the fact that you're over weight and covered in zits with nasty hair

isn't a problem at all, in fact you make fun of it

You start to make fun of your huge belly or big ass

Because if you're willing to make fun of yourself 

You can't care that you look the way you do right?

 

In pictures I used to make my face ugly on purpose

(Case in point the picture posted above)

Because then when the picture turned out ugly 

I could tell myself it wasn't because I was ugly, 

but because I made the ugly face. 

I was so scared to try to make a pretty face

because I knew it would turn out ugly, 

and that meant that I was ugly even at my prettiest.

Now things have changed. 

my confidence has gone through the roof. 

A lot of that is thanks to Jonathan, 

who is constantly telling my how beautiful I am

But a lot of it is thanks to my weight loss. 

I am still not up to the perfect confidence 

I am so scared of gaining weight back

that I would rather get a serious life threatening injury 

than gain even 10 lbs. 

Yeah. not good. 

But at the same time I have never, until now, 

looked at myself and thought 

"dang! I look good!"

Which happens a few times a month now. 

This picture is one example of that, when I saw it

all I could think is "OMG I look so small!!"

I love it!!

 

While I do still have room to grow

and still need to build up my confidence

I am so excited and proud of the improvement.

Relapse...

I relapsed today. 

I was doing so well. 

I teared up a little Monday, 

and not at all yesterday

And then this afternoon came along. 

(this picture cracked me up, I don't know why lol)

I was just sitting in bed thinking. 

Remembering last Summer

and how fun it was

I read all day,

and then hung out with Jonathan

and/or Megan at night. 

Even during Summer school 

it was awesome. 

Mornings with my best friend

Afternoons working out

showering just in time 

to hang out with Jonathan

I just got mad at myself

I took that time for granted

I miss having that gift, 

seeing him every day

being able to talk to him on the phone

every day with out fail

even just texting though out the day

I took all of it for granted

I just got so mad at myself 

for not being more thankful 

and then the water started

and wouldn't stop. 

finally, I decided I'd just write

it's amazing how much better 

writing these makes me feel.

I hope you guys don't get sic of me and my emo ways.

(The new look I'm thinkin of goin for

hahahaha!)

Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold.

First of all let me just say that I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long

It was because all I could think about was how excited I was to be seeing my guy

I didn't want to bore you all with the same topic over and over 

Second of all, if you don't feel like reading about my guy

reading about how hard it is to be apart from him 

or about anything sappy/sad/cheesy then stop reading this. 

no one is making you read this so if it bugs you you've only yourself to blame.

Jonathan left today. 

I hate these days. 

It hurts in a way that I don't even know how to explain. 

It literally messes with your body

I've had non stop head ache all day.

I was naucious all morning

As was he. 

My face hurts from crying

My nose is raw

My lips, of all things, are chapped. 

It sucks to say the least. 

The drive to the airport was the longest

yet fastest drive of my life

All I could think about 

was how I can remember picking him up

like it was 2 minutes ago

when we got to the airport 

it turned out his flight had been pushed back.

Now I had mixed feelings about this. 

It means more time with him, 

but it means more prolonged goodbye

The airport is awkward from the second we get there

you don't wanna get too comfortable with the person

just to have them taken away

so you get stuck in this awkward 

"ready to say good bye at any moment" 

thing which is incredibly draining. 

Any way, after we checked him in

and checked his bag

(for free, at leas there are some good things about military life)

we went into the room thing

that SFO has for military and their family

it was nice and quiet, good place to take a nap

We had 30 minutes of relaxing before it was time to wait in the security line

I got to wait with him for a little while because it was so long

Once it got to the part where it goes all twisty it was time for me to leave. 

and I lost it. 

Now I don't know if any of you have honest to God sobbed, 

but it hurts like hell. 

You literally can't breathe, 

your shoulders feel like they are going to fall off

and that spot on your nose/forehead between your eyes

starts pounding like some one is poking you over and over again

None of this is a pretty sight, not something you want to do in public

let alone when its the last time your guy is going to see you in person for a while.

But lucky me, I just stood there hugging him sobbing.

I don't remember anything other than trying to perfectly

ingrain how his hug felt into my mind. 

Then he gave me one last squeeze and I was off

Barely able to see though the tears

I made it down one flight of stairs 

before I jumped on the "up" escalator

and ran up them, (no idea how as I still couldn't see)

walked right up to him and said "I need one more" 

and hugged him one last good long hug.

Then it was really time to let him go. 

I wanted to stay and watch him but I couldn't do it. 

So I forced myself to walk to the escalator

and kept my eye on him as long as possible.

When I got to my car I sobbed till I started crying cuz my body hurt so bad.

(I gotta tell ya, I love that I'm emotional

because it means I express love, and joy so big, 

but when it comes to being sad, 

being this emotional is a bitch)

One way or another I made it home

My good friend Aaron opted to babysit me for the day

So we went and saw Harry Potter

(just as good the 2nd time as the 1st)

Now I'm home, in my painfully empty room

Holding my bunny and writing this. 

I try to be thankful that I even got to see him

But it's easier said than done. 

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. 

It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone 

in exchange for a little time with the one they love. 

It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, 

even if they don't see it nearly enough..."