Sunday, July 29, 2012

Well This Is New...

I'm at an entirely new point in the distance lull than I've ever been before. 
That is an annoyed, impatient, and slightly angry point. 
It may be because I've never gone over half a year without seeing Jonathan before, 
but no matter the reason it is not at all what I am used to. 
I am just so angry at the entire situation. 


I hate that I've never gotten a taste of a "normal relationship" 
Jonathan is the only guy I've ever dated. 
It has been hard this month because my room mates boyfriend has been living with us. 
I like him a lot, he is super sweet and really funny, so that's not the problem. 
But, it has kinda shown me what I've been missing for two years. 
That realization, has been rough. 
I'm no longer blissfully ignorant to what a "normal" relationship actually looks like.

I am angry that we've had to deal with it for this long
The first year was fine, it wasn't ideal, but it was fine. 
The second year was rough
The third year... it flat out sucks

I am starting to get annoyed with friends too, 
people who think they feel the same way I do. 
Some of them haven't done distance at all
some of them have done it less time total than I have, 
it doesn't matter, but some of the people I used to seek comfort from, 
I find myself getting frustrated with instead. 


That green monster is around as usual, 
but this time he is bigger and stronger than ever. 
I know you're not supposed to feed him and he'll go away, 
(feed him meaning, give into jealousy) 
but I find myself feeding him almost every day.  

After each of these things, 
I get frustrated with myself for acting that way. 
I get so mad and start beating myself up. 
I feel like a terrible, pathetic person.
I hate who I have turned into.
Every one always comments on how amazed they are at me,
how "well" I deal with the distance,
and I feel like I just wanna yell
"Don't you know how pathetic and weak I am???"
This just adds to the anger. 

Have any of you long distance-ers/military galls felt this way before? 
Or am I actually going insane? 
I'm starting to think I might be. 

(hopefully I don't go too insane, 
I want another chance to do this!!) 

8 comments:

  1. I'm definitely bitter lately about the distance. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's still a year away. What you're feeling is normal!

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    1. You're my favorite right now! Thanks for letting me know I'm not completely insane. hahahaha <3

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  2. I feel for you! Distance is so very hard. Thinking of you! xoxo

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    1. Thank you lovely! You're the best! <3

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  3. I am so with you and totally relate to this. I am sick of the distance too and get jealous of "normal" relationships. I as well have roommate and I often feel like she and her boyfriend rub stuff in my face (constantly kissing, cuddling, sleeping over, etc). But in the end, being with my boyfriend is what I want and I chose to make it work. We still have 16 months to go...and as miserable as that sounds, I know it will all be worth it when we are together again. I did enjoy reading your post because I often feel like this. Not that I am happy you are going thru it too, but I find comfort in knowing I am not the only one!!! Stay strong.

    http://thelongerthewaitthesweeterthekiss.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you so much for sharing all this! I feel exactly like you, I'm not happy you're going through it, but I am so happy I know you and have some one out there who can relate and I know I can talk to. <3 <3

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  4. I feel ya girl!! It is rough! You will have good days, bad days, and UGLY days! Just try and focus on the good (its tough) and don't beat yourself up over feeling down! You deserve those down days because not being with the one you love gets old reaaaaal fast! One day at a time and you will make it!

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    1. You're so right! I work so hard to have all good days that I feel terrible about myself when I have a bad day. Guess I just gotta let the bad days happen. :) You're the best! <3

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