I am beautiful?

 

Confidence. 

It is something every one struggles with. 

Boys and girls alike. 

(though if they have the same amount 

of pressure to look a certain way 

is a whole different story, 

for a whole different blog) 

I've been working towards improving my confidence

for over 3 years now. 

The first step was loosing weight. 

Which I did. 

The second step was accepting my body type

Which I did. 

Until I didn't any more. 

The third step was loosing more weight

Which I did. 

Till it became difficult. 

The fourth step, was loosing more weight at any cost. 

It didn't matter how few calories I ate, 

or how many calories I burned, 

even if it meant getting rid of the "excess" calories/food fast

 the only way I knew how.

Which I did.
(I'm NOT doing that any more,
not to worry, I woke up and realized
how self destructive I had become
and put a stopper to it right away)

 

I am telling you all this 

because I think a lot of people think I am Miss Confident. 

I STILL get messages on how I did it, 

on how I lost weight and how I got so confident all of a sudden.

The truth is: 

I've just become a master at faking it. 

When I look in the mirror I still feel fat. 

I see my pudgy stomach.

I see my HUGE thighs. 

I see my round face. 

I see my saggy arms.

I see my double chin. 

I see my fat calves. 

I see my weird fore-arms.

I see my 

rolls, 

chunk,

jiggle, 

and fat, fat, fat!

I see all my flaws, 

both those that exist

and those that don't exist.

The point is

No matter who you are, 

what size you are, 

what weight you are, 

there will always be something you want to change about yourself. 

You know what that means? 

That girl, you know the one, 

the one who is perfect. 

When she looks in the mirror

she sees anything but perfection. 

I finally decided that the only way to raise my confidence

is to not only stop criticizing myself, 

but to stop criticizing people around me as well. 

I think we all do it, most of the time with out realizing it

The only way to be truly happy with yourself, 

and to recognize how beautiful you are

is to recognize how beautiful the world around you is. 

This life that we are given is truly wonderful

Why waist it hating the body you have?

Why not live what little time you have to the fullest 

Being proud of the way you look, 

and the way every one around you looks as well. 

If you have any ideas of how to improve confidence level 

PLEASE don't hesitate to comment them

God knows we can't have too many tips on the topic.

(This blog is in NO WAY a "poor me i feel fat" blog

I just felt like sharing how I was feeling today

and what I've been thinking about the past few days, 

It is a "lets all come together and embrace ourselves and our "flaws"' blog)

New Favorite Song

I just wanna sing it at the top of my lungs all the time!

Thank goodness Jonathan doesn't mind

or we would have issues as of late. 

I've sung it to him about 6 times in 24 hours.

I blame Jenah

She is the one who showed me 

how fun it is to rock out to in the car.

hoe. 

These are a few of my favorite things...

I don't know if you know this, 

but I LOVE smells. 

I love candles

I love wall plugs

I love perfume

and I love fragrant lotions. 

I love them so much in fact that right now I have

6 candles

7 wall plugs

9 perfumes

13 lotions

Obsessed? Yes. 

One of my favorite lotions!

It smells so fresh, clean, and feminine

And my newest perfume

I am obsessed with it!

It smells so fancy and grown up

Just call me Jared

So for a while now I've been wanting to get a picture of myself

in jeans the size I wore when I was at my biggest. 

Today I finally did it.  

Now keep in mind in order to get them on back in the day

I had to 

jump

wiggle

move

squat

roll 

and just about everything else you can think of

(basically I should have been wearing at least 2 pant sizes larger

to be wearing pants that actually fit me without giving me a muffin top)

The jeans I tried on today were "Jeggings" from AE

Keep in mind, these jeans are supposed to fit

like a second layer of skin

What is amazing is in the legs, 

there was enough room left to fit at least an arm

I didn't actually try cuz that just sounds painful

(yes, I realize I have that nasty pooch thing, 

but I've been workin on it lol)

This is the side view, the entire front was pulled away from my body

on this you can really see how lumpy and baggy the legs were

Now for how I look in the jeans I wore to the mall

These are a grand total of 6 sizes smaller

and have their own couple inches of breathing room

Just call me Jared from Subway. :)

Rough Patch...

That's right ladies and gents. 

I've hit my first rough patch. 

I'm so proud of myself that it's taken me this long!

I lasted 2 months. :D

That means I am getting better at this crap long distance.

I have hit my rough patch. 

Namely because both Jonathan and I are busy

which means we haven't really talked

in quite some time. 

(well to some people it might seem like not long at all

but for us it feels like it's been forever!

It has been sense... Saturday? I think?)

It has been really hard for me. 

Not being able hear his voice

I have been having trouble falling asleep. 

Not positive why, 

but I think that is one of the many reasons. 

(last night, despite being completely pooped, 

I lay in bed awake starting at 10, 

until I fell asleep at 2:30)

Aaaany way, I've been loving 

"weird" music lately. 

I say it's weird not because 

there is anything wrong with it, 

just that it is different from what I normally listen to

But who am I kidding? 

I don't have any one genre I stick to.

My itunes has everything from 

Flogging Molly, to Brad Paisley  

This is one of the songs I've become obsessed with

I listen to it a few times a day. 

Enjoy. 

Home-Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

WTF Do You Do?

Ok! So this is to all you long distance-ers

Namely Military long distance-ers

While this isn't just to military relationships, 

I think the only ones who can truly relate, 

are Military because their free time is so limited. 

(Grand total of 4 weeks a year 

are allowed to be spent away from work place/base)

So my question to all of you is: 

What do you do when you

don't live any where near your guys family

which means he is forced to choose between you and them
as far as his leave time goes. 

No matter what it is a win win, 

but at the same time no matter what it is a loose loose. 

If he goes to see you, you're ecstatic

but you are sad and feel guilty

because he is not seeing them. 

If he goes to see them, you are over the moon

but at the same time you're sad, 

and feeling guilty for feeling sad

because you're not getting to see him.

Now I'm asking every one on the interwebs this question

Because as far as I know, 

no one I can think of  that I know personally

has experience with this problem. 

All the military relationships I know 

met before their guys went into the military

which means they are from the same place. 

I am really hoping some one out here, 

in the wide wide interwebs

will have a similar situation

and can relate and give advice. 

Even if you aren't in a similar situation, 

if you think you have some good advice please give it.

I'll Never Walk Alone...

What do you do when you don't know what's going on

When you don't know if you're over reacting

If the situation isn't as bad as it seems

Or if it's worse than it seems?

What do you do when the few people who can help you

are out of your reach?

When the one person you want to help

is beyond your grasp?

What do you do?

"Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart"

My Safe Way Story.

So today during my hours of homework time, 

no joke, did homework from 10 am to 5 pm

soooo much fun, 

any way, after my hours of homework, 

I decided I'd take a break for some food

always a good reason to break if you ask me. 

Only problem is, I have no food. 

So off to Safe Way I went. 

It was quite a successfull trip as well. 

I got all kinds of yogurt, 

including cotton candy flavored go-gurt

(um, hell yes!)

Safe Way Select Salted Pretzel Carmel ice cream,

some Nature Vally snack bars, 

lunch meat, 

a new candle, 

AND an Amy's Spinach Pizza

only the best pizza in the world! 

(also, sadly most expensive, so I eat it about twice a year)

I made my merry way to my car

unpacked my things

and walked to the front seat when 

BAM

 there he was. 

a strange little man 

with a few missing teeth 

crazy grey hair

a huge beer belly

and more man purses 

than Zack Galifianakis would know what to do with

Any way, George, I've named him George, 

George allowed me to get into my front seat, 

as he was just about to walk by the drivers side of the car

as thanks I smiled and nodded as thanks and jumped in

the weird thing was, when he walked by, 

he looked in my car all through the middle and back

and then looked back at me in my side mirror and smiled again. 

George crossed the parking lot and stood there looking at my car

I waited a few seconds and backed out 

only to have him cross to the passangers side of my car

I almost hit him in the process. 

He just stood walking towards my passenger door with a smile on his face. 

Needless to say I smiled, waved and pressed on the gass

I watched him stand in the middle of the parking lot 

watching my car drive away

Once I was safely out of the parking lot I saw George

He was standing on the side walk, 

having followed my car out of the lot

just standing there, 

watching and smiling. 

Now at this point most girls would be creeped out

but for some reason 

I had to try with all my might not to crack up laughing

it just was so funny seeing him out of the corner of my eye

standing there with that toothless smile

obviously contemplating crossing traffic to try to climb into my car. 

Once I pulled away I did indulge in some laughter. 

The Matrix Has You.

"Welcome to the real world" 

WTF is up with that sentence? 

I've heard it more times than I can count. 

I heard it when I started high school 

I heard it when I started college. 

I heard it when I got my first job. 

I heard it when I took my first load of 18 units. 

Now I've heard it from 3 people

talking about my 20 units and 3 jobs. 

I'm not mad at any one person

Just mad at the sentence. 

No one says it in a welcoming way

Just a sarcastic way.

People say it and what they mean is 

"Please! I've been doing that 

for years now, 

welcome to my life"

What I wanna know is

When will I ever be in the 

"Real" World? 

What is the "real" world?

Why have I been living in a fake world my entire life?

When will I stop being welcomed into this 

"real" world

And just be let in. 

Supposedly the "real" world or 

"real" life

was going to start with college

But now that I'm there

people talk about graduation 

and talk about entering the 

"real" world or starting "real" life. 

Again... what have I been doing up till now

Pretending to live in a pretend world? 

I guess the Matrix has me.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I wish I had never left home

Never gone to Sonoma

Stayed in Sacramento

I wish I still got that 

"aww I'm home!" 

feeling when I got into Sac

Not into RP 

Sometimes I wish I weren't dating a Coastie

Not because I don't love him

but because it means moving further away

which means my family moving on without me

as my sister put it 

"well you're moving on with out us, 

you're leaving us behind, 

what else are we supposed to do?"

Sometimes I wish I had never left home

then there are all the other times. 

All the times I am so happy I did

I've experienced more life

learned more and done more

than most of the people who stayed behind in Sac

I've been forced to grow up

I mean really grow up

No running to mom and dad's house as a safe place

no running to mom and dad for help

no being catered to
not that i'm all grown up, i've still got a looong way to go

Sometimes I wish I had never left home.

Then there are all the other times.