The Reason I'm In Love...

So I don't think I've told anyone this. 

But I was determined to not date Jonathan. 

I asked 5 different people if I should or not, 

Just because I was looking for some one to say 

"NO! DON'T DO IT! RUN!!"

I was scared to get in a relationship

with a guy who would just leave in 5 months. 

I discovered one of my favorite singers, 

Angel Taylor 

The same day I met Jonathan

I listened to her CD over and over, 

Finally I listened to the lyrics of this song

(other than the fact that the song talks about her

being black and her guy being white)

It described our relationship

at it's current status to a T. 

It was the lyric 

"I'm so weak and unable to

Picture you with someone other than me"

I realized, I don't want to picture him with anyone else

I don't want him to be with anyone else

I want him to be mine!

And that night I told him that I would be his girlfriend.

So ultimately, this song is the reason I'm in love. 

22 isn't THAT big of a number... right?

I've been struggling a lot more than I thought I would

It's been one week, but it feels like 3

It doesn't help that Jonathan is moving

All I want is to be there to help him. 

I didn't realize how much harder it would be

See, normally I have the distraction of school or work

The first time he left, I had school the next day. 

The second time I had school after a few days. 

The third time I had work just 6 hours later

This time, no school, no work, nothing.

So I sit at home all day, bored, missing him.
While writing this I decided that I am going to bake tomorrow, 

or cook. I just want to create something new. 

And do something that will distract me.

I just want to get into my numb place 

and stay there for the next 22 weeks till I see him again.

The Help

This book... I am not even going to try to describe it

Because even as an English Lit major, 

I know I can't do it justice. 

I will just tell you that it made me laugh out loud, 

gasp in shock, joy, and horror multiple times

And cry at least 6 times.

It taught me so much about the world, 

and about just how terrible things were for southern black women

I honest to God think every one should read it

It is one of the most shocking, sad, and funny things

I think I will ever read.

Fat and ugly!!

Confidence is a funny thing. 

It is so easy to fake

But so hard to get. 

I have never been the most confident person

For a while I got pretty dang good a faking it

One of the easiest ways to fake it is to act like it doesn't bug you

like the fact that you're over weight and covered in zits with nasty hair

isn't a problem at all, in fact you make fun of it

You start to make fun of your huge belly or big ass

Because if you're willing to make fun of yourself 

You can't care that you look the way you do right?

 

In pictures I used to make my face ugly on purpose

(Case in point the picture posted above)

Because then when the picture turned out ugly 

I could tell myself it wasn't because I was ugly, 

but because I made the ugly face. 

I was so scared to try to make a pretty face

because I knew it would turn out ugly, 

and that meant that I was ugly even at my prettiest.

Now things have changed. 

my confidence has gone through the roof. 

A lot of that is thanks to Jonathan, 

who is constantly telling my how beautiful I am

But a lot of it is thanks to my weight loss. 

I am still not up to the perfect confidence 

I am so scared of gaining weight back

that I would rather get a serious life threatening injury 

than gain even 10 lbs. 

Yeah. not good. 

But at the same time I have never, until now, 

looked at myself and thought 

"dang! I look good!"

Which happens a few times a month now. 

This picture is one example of that, when I saw it

all I could think is "OMG I look so small!!"

I love it!!

 

While I do still have room to grow

and still need to build up my confidence

I am so excited and proud of the improvement.

Relapse...

I relapsed today. 

I was doing so well. 

I teared up a little Monday, 

and not at all yesterday

And then this afternoon came along. 

(this picture cracked me up, I don't know why lol)

I was just sitting in bed thinking. 

Remembering last Summer

and how fun it was

I read all day,

and then hung out with Jonathan

and/or Megan at night. 

Even during Summer school 

it was awesome. 

Mornings with my best friend

Afternoons working out

showering just in time 

to hang out with Jonathan

I just got mad at myself

I took that time for granted

I miss having that gift, 

seeing him every day

being able to talk to him on the phone

every day with out fail

even just texting though out the day

I took all of it for granted

I just got so mad at myself 

for not being more thankful 

and then the water started

and wouldn't stop. 

finally, I decided I'd just write

it's amazing how much better 

writing these makes me feel.

I hope you guys don't get sic of me and my emo ways.

(The new look I'm thinkin of goin for

hahahaha!)

Distance is not for the fearful, it's for the bold.

First of all let me just say that I'm sorry I've been MIA for so long

It was because all I could think about was how excited I was to be seeing my guy

I didn't want to bore you all with the same topic over and over 

Second of all, if you don't feel like reading about my guy

reading about how hard it is to be apart from him 

or about anything sappy/sad/cheesy then stop reading this. 

no one is making you read this so if it bugs you you've only yourself to blame.

Jonathan left today. 

I hate these days. 

It hurts in a way that I don't even know how to explain. 

It literally messes with your body

I've had non stop head ache all day.

I was naucious all morning

As was he. 

My face hurts from crying

My nose is raw

My lips, of all things, are chapped. 

It sucks to say the least. 

The drive to the airport was the longest

yet fastest drive of my life

All I could think about 

was how I can remember picking him up

like it was 2 minutes ago

when we got to the airport 

it turned out his flight had been pushed back.

Now I had mixed feelings about this. 

It means more time with him, 

but it means more prolonged goodbye

The airport is awkward from the second we get there

you don't wanna get too comfortable with the person

just to have them taken away

so you get stuck in this awkward 

"ready to say good bye at any moment" 

thing which is incredibly draining. 

Any way, after we checked him in

and checked his bag

(for free, at leas there are some good things about military life)

we went into the room thing

that SFO has for military and their family

it was nice and quiet, good place to take a nap

We had 30 minutes of relaxing before it was time to wait in the security line

I got to wait with him for a little while because it was so long

Once it got to the part where it goes all twisty it was time for me to leave. 

and I lost it. 

Now I don't know if any of you have honest to God sobbed, 

but it hurts like hell. 

You literally can't breathe, 

your shoulders feel like they are going to fall off

and that spot on your nose/forehead between your eyes

starts pounding like some one is poking you over and over again

None of this is a pretty sight, not something you want to do in public

let alone when its the last time your guy is going to see you in person for a while.

But lucky me, I just stood there hugging him sobbing.

I don't remember anything other than trying to perfectly

ingrain how his hug felt into my mind. 

Then he gave me one last squeeze and I was off

Barely able to see though the tears

I made it down one flight of stairs 

before I jumped on the "up" escalator

and ran up them, (no idea how as I still couldn't see)

walked right up to him and said "I need one more" 

and hugged him one last good long hug.

Then it was really time to let him go. 

I wanted to stay and watch him but I couldn't do it. 

So I forced myself to walk to the escalator

and kept my eye on him as long as possible.

When I got to my car I sobbed till I started crying cuz my body hurt so bad.

(I gotta tell ya, I love that I'm emotional

because it means I express love, and joy so big, 

but when it comes to being sad, 

being this emotional is a bitch)

One way or another I made it home

My good friend Aaron opted to babysit me for the day

So we went and saw Harry Potter

(just as good the 2nd time as the 1st)

Now I'm home, in my painfully empty room

Holding my bunny and writing this. 

I try to be thankful that I even got to see him

But it's easier said than done. 

"Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. 

It's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone 

in exchange for a little time with the one they love. 

It's for those knowing a good thing when they see it, 

even if they don't see it nearly enough..."